


long change

by icecreamhour



Series: hockey au [5]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Character Death, jackbeom friendship moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24907102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icecreamhour/pseuds/icecreamhour
Summary: sometimes jackson wonders if the path he's on is the right one for him.his whole life has been decided for him.he just doesn't know if he wants it.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Jackson Wang, Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Series: hockey au [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635892
Comments: 15
Kudos: 51





	1. blue line

**Author's Note:**

> a surprise! jackjae glory spinoff is here. 
> 
> timeline wise: glory takes place primarily in 2018-2019, while this takes place in 2020-2021.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who read the tag -- minor character death, that happens in chapter one. it involves none of the boys, but if you'd like to know ahead of time, you can check the end notes.

Jackson had always gone away for school his entire life. His parents sent him to boarding school, and after, Jackson was set for his four years at Boston University. His parents wanted him to come back to Connecticut, but Jackson just wanted to spend four years somewhere else before he got thrown into the life that everyone and his parents decided for him. 

Jaebeom is the first friend he makes at BU. It’s unexpected, because everyone’s heard about Jaebeom. The boy who dropped out of the draft. Everyone is cautious around him. Mark thinks he’s mean. Jackson just thinks that he’s quiet, and prefers to be alone most of the time.

It’s when the hazing ritual starts, that Jackson finds himself carried out of his dorm, blindfolded alone. Jaebeom wasn’t there. The hazing ritual was dumb anyways. They made the freshmen strip down to their boxers, kneeling on the cold ice of the rink. By the time Jackson got back to the dorms, he couldn’t stop shaking from how cold he was. 

Jaebeom happened to be awake, though. He let Jackson sleep in his bed. It was the first night they really became friends. Jackson is able to get him out of his shell a little more, and finds him more soft than everyone thinks. 

It’s Jackson’s second year at BU when he finally moves into the team house. He and Jaebeom had been granted a room by way of dibs, and they’re lucky that they have their rooms next to each other with an adjoining bathroom in between. 

Jackson feels like his head is spinning when he meets the new incoming freshmen. There’s one that catches his eye, a defenseman. His name is Youngjae, and Jackson makes another addition to his friend group on the team. 

Mark, Jaebeom, Jackson, and Youngjae usually spent Friday nights that they didn’t have games or practice on the roof of the haus. It wasn’t a planned ritual, but they found it was a way to relieve a lot of stress. The group grows once Yugyeom joins the team, and they finally get a new team manager, BamBam, who tags along with Yugyeom for everything. 

It’s a nice little family that Jackson has grown to love in Boston. 

Which is why it’s so hard to leave it. 

Yale is inevitable. He’s already committed, and following the path his family set for him. It was always going to be Yale Law, then Jackson would start working for the family law firm. That was his future. All Jackson had to do was not mess it up. He just doesn’t know if he wants it. 

It’s his third year at law school, and now, Jackson thinks he’ll enjoy it a little more, especially now that Youngjae is not too far from him. Prior to the start of the school year, the both of them agreed that they wouldn’t live together. Mostly because they both prefer to live close to their respective campuses; and neither of them wanted to distract the other when they both had to study. 

Jackson stops by the family home, just to go over a few things relating to his work at his family’s law office. He dreads the thought of having to go in, but he gets credits for it, and it eases Jackson’s stress just a little bit. He was always a perfectionist. Jackson was in the honors program, and a student athlete at BU. Jackson was used to tremendous amounts of pressure and schoolwork, so the transition to law school made the situation a little easier. Jackson was still not one to settle for anything less than a 4.0, though. 

It’s the one grade in his transcript in his first year that throws him off. One grade, that left Jackson at a 3.9 GPA. He knows he shouldn’t be hard on himself, but it’s difficult to shake the routine. He sits at the family table in the kitchen, tapping at the desk. There’s a few breakfast plates with food out, and Jackson absentmindedly picks food off of some of the plates and begins nibbling on it. 

Jackson had gotten validation from school his entire life. It was the only thing he knew he was good at. The reason why he’d gone down the path his parents had chosen for him. It’s why he’s in his third year and still doesn’t know if he truly wants this. The burn out sometimes creeps in; he feels tired, like he’s almost lost his passion. Jackson slumps down onto the kitchen table, and waits for his parents. 

He loses track of time and forgets how long he’d been waiting. Jackson checks his phone, and he’s already been waiting for 20 minutes. Jackson sighs, and figures he’ll have to come back another day. He has class in two hours, and Jackson still needs to drop by his apartment to pick up some books so he can hit the library after class. 

The drive isn’t too long from his parent’s to his apartment. Jackson preferred living closer to campus, and it was easier, since he could walk from his apartment to campus. It also helped him breathe. Jackson had gone to boarding school and lived alone for as long as he could remember. His mom was always caring and attentive; asking if Jackson needed anything. At heart, he was still a momma’s boy. It’s the fear that Jackson has. The one where his parents won’t accept him if he chooses to drop out of law school. He tries to shake the thought out of his head, and when he arrives back at his apartment, he collects his backpack and textbooks to make the walk to campus. 

Fall was always Jackson’s favorite term. The new season. The new incoming students. It makes him nostalgic for BU. He misses his friends. He’s got his cohort here, and Youngjae is just a drive away at Sacred Heart, but nothing will ever be the same as Boston. 

Jackson gets to class early, taking a seat in the front by the door. It was also part of the perfectionist in him, but also so he could have early access to leave class as quickly as possible to get his favorite spot in the library. 

His morning class goes by slowly. Jackson feels himself nodding off every now and then, and once they hit a small ten minute break, Jackson heads out to the hallway to return a phone call. 

Jaebeom always called at odd times, but he always texted him in advance. Jackson can’t shake the fact that it can’t be good, and tries not to think so negatively. 

“Hey,” Jackson speaks into his phone. 

“It hasn’t hit yet,” Jaebeom starts. “But it’s happening.” 

“You’re serious?” Jackson asks. “The l—” 

“Yeah. A lockout,” Jaebeom sighs. “No one knows how long this could go for.” 

“What will you do?” Jackson wonders. 

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom answers. “It’s like, a lot of the guys want to go over to Europe to play, but, Jinyoung and I want to stay.” 

“I bet,” Jackson adds. “Are you going to New York for labor negotiations?” 

“We haven’t decided,” Jaebeom replies. 

“It’ll work itself out, right?” Jackson asks again. “Your dad should know something.” 

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says, hushed into the phone. “We can video call sometime later, catch up?” 

“Mm,” Jackson hums into the phone. “I’d like that.” 

“Have a good class,” Jaebeom replies. 

Jackson hangs up, and puts his phone back into his pocket. He still has a few minutes of his break left, and he ends up slumped against the wall in the hallway. He’s tired. Not just from this morning, but he feels restless. Jackson hates the feeling of not knowing what he’s supposed to do. 

* * *

In his first year, his schedule consisted of living in the library. Now, Jackson has to deal with finding an externship for next semester that he put off doing all summer. He works for his parent’s firm, but it’s not something he enjoys. Jackson can’t deal with the thought that he’d probably have to spend so much time working with his family, that it wouldn’t be enjoyable to see them for dinners and other things. 

When he gets to his normal spot in the library, a study room that he always has booked, Jackson slumps down in his chair and calls it quits on studying. He was always a little intense, a bit of a perfectionist, and Jackson’s grades were always the best. He still has a hard time letting himself believe he can have a break. 

Jackson checks his phone again, his screen coming to life with notifications from Youngjae. He was supposed to come over, and Jackson was going to be his real life study and practice, which usually meant that Youngjae came over and squeezed all his muscles. 

When he finally opens twitter, that’s when the news hits. His feed is clogged with NHL posts, and the official announcement of the lockout has dropped. Players are already announcing their plans to play overseas, and Jackson is scrolling through all the statements. Jaebeom didn’t even have a twitter account, but he’s seeing too many Vegas fans speculate. He tries not to worry about it too much. Jaebeom was happier now, and they’ve come a long way from his first year. 

He hesitates, and thinks about calling him again. It’s one of Jackson’s most important values, that he’s entirely loyal to his friends. It eases his own worries a little bit, that he tries to think about anything else but his own problems. 

Now that he’s given up on studying for the day, Jackson packs up and decides to head home. 

Jackson is already about to leave his cozy study room, until Youngjae takes him by surprise. It’s not often that he does this, considering it’s a weekday and they’re both so busy. Jackson wonders if Youngjae just has good timing. He drops his bag back onto the floor, and almost falls into Youngjae’s arms. 

“Missed you,” Jackson says, face squished up against Youngjae’s shoulder. 

“I missed you too,” Youngjae rubs his hand against Jackson’s back. “Are you stressed?” 

“A little,” Jackson mumbles. 

A beat passes. 

“C’mon,” Youngjae rubs his back again. “Be honest.” 

“Okay,” Jackson sighs. “A lot.” 

“Why don’t we stay here for a bit,” Youngjae says, gently nudging Jackson forward back onto one of the chairs. “Before we go to your place.” 

Jackson sits back down on one of the chairs, the plush one that was stuck in the corner. Sometimes Jackson likes to book a study room just to nap for a bit, even if he wasn’t supposed to. 

“What’s on your mind?” Youngjae asks. 

“School. The lockout. Jaebeom. My parents,” Jackson says out loud. “Did I mention school?” 

“It’s a little weird hearing that your boyfriend has been thinking of another guy,” Youngjae laughs. 

“You know it’s not like—” Jackson laughs back. “I mean, like, I did admit to you at that one party that I wanted to suck his dick. Platonically. Before we found out he wasn’t straight.” 

“I get it, though,” Youngjae replies, seriously this time. “The lockout. I can’t imagine what must be going through their minds right now.” 

“Yeah,” Jackson sighs again, rubbing his thumbs together. “I can’t help but worry, you know?” 

“That’s what I love about you,” Youngjae says, kneeling in front of Jackson. “You care so much about others. You have a really big heart.” 

“Please,” Jackson smiles. 

“I think you deserve a break,” Youngjae leans in closer, his hands resting in Jackson’s lap. “I just want to give you what you deserve.” 

“You do,” Jackson replies, taking hold of one of Youngjae’s hands, trying to intertwine their fingers. 

“Baby,” Youngjae breathes, and Jackson finally catches on. 

“Oh,” Jackson blushes. “But the window—” 

“It’ll be fine,” Youngjae says, unzipping Jackson’s pants. “I think we both enjoy a little show.” 

Youngjae finally takes Jackson’s half hard cock in his hand, slowly stroking it with his hand. Jackson almost grabs onto Youngjae’s hair, but Youngjae stops touching him. 

“Not my hair,” Youngjae says, lowering his voice. “Keep your hands to yourself.” 

“Youngjae,” Jackson gasps. “Please.” 

Jackson lets his hands sit back on the chair, trying not to move. He’s fully hard now in Youngjae’s hand, and it’s embarrassing how badly Jackson wants to thrust forward into his hand. Youngjae leans in closer, and gives Jackson a tiny lick just around the head. 

“Fuck,” Jackson breathes. 

Youngjae sinks down lower, fully taking Jackson into his mouth. It’s so hot, and Jackson has to keep from looking down. The windows to the study room are entirely open, and from the outside, no one could see Youngjae on his knees unless Jackson gives a face. Youngjae keeps a good pace, slowly bobbing his head up and down, just enough to make Jackson squirm in his seat. 

They’re used to this. The empty classroom, outside the hotel in Vegas, and anywhere they can get their hands on each other. The risk is always worth it, and Jackson is starting to think Youngjae likes it more this way. 

Youngjae takes him in so deep, and Jackson’s almost seeing stars. He leans back against the chair, letting his head thump against the back of the wall. Jackson lets his eyes close, fully relaxed. He feels Youngjae’s free hand trail against his lower stomach, moving down to tease him with his hand wrapped around the base of his cock. It’s almost too much, and Jackson tries to keep himself from moaning out too loudly. The rooms were never soundproof, and they’d both learned that the hard way. 

“Fuck,” Jackson whispers. “Can we please go home so you can fuck me already.” 

Just like that, Youngjae pulls off, leaving Jackson unfinished, with his cock still red and flushed. 

“Let’s go home, then,” Youngjae says, getting off of his knees. 

“Wait—” Jackson whines. 

“When we get home,” Youngjae says again. “You can wait, right?” 

“Can’t you just let me come now?” Jackson whines again. 

“It’ll be so much better at home,” Youngjae replies, leaning over him now. 

Youngjae’s short visit leaves Jackson with a boost. They went home, and Youngjae made sure everything was worth the wait. It always was. Jackson had crushed on him for years, and if he waited that long, Jackson could always wait a few hours.

They both get up early, since Youngjae has to leave to drive back to school. Jackson always cherishes when they both take the time like this, indulging in small breaks before they have to go back and throw themselves into studying. 

“I can’t make this weekend,” Youngjae frowns, hanging by the front door. Jackson has his arms wrapped around him, still clinging onto him. 

“It’s okay,” Jackson says, and kisses his cheek. “I really appreciate you coming to surprise me. It helped a lot.” 

“Don’t worry too much,” Youngjae smiles, and holds the back of Jackson’s neck. “Take a break every once in a while. You’re smart, and so capable, you need to give yourself some time.” 

“I will,” Jackson smiles. “I’ll take breaks.” 

“Good,” Youngjae says, softly brushing his thumb against Jackson’s neck. “I’ll call you?” 

“I love you,” Jackson says, clinging onto Youngjae one last time. 

“I love you, too.” Youngjae replies. “Always.”

* * *

Jackson gets through the next few weeks a lot easier. He takes on some work with the District Attorney’s office, spending less time working with his parents. The classes don’t feel as hard, and it opens up some time for him to allow himself to take breaks. 

He logs out of social media, trying not to stress himself out with anything else. Jackson turns off his NHL alerts too, because he doesn’t know how much of the lockout he can handle at the moment. He texted Jaebeom a while back saying he’d be bad at replying for a bit, just so he can focus on himself for a bit. It’s what he appreciates about his friendship with Jaebeom, and how well they understand each other. They both have their quiet and loud moments. 

Jackson’s phone is on silent most days, only answering if it’s for work, his parents, brother, or Youngjae. It's new for him, not answering to so many people when he’s used to being social. In his first year of law school he had to balance so many meetings with members from his cohort, driving back to Boston, and family meetings. 

He misses the schedule. The routine of being a college athlete. The chaos of living in a house with the entire team. It’s funny how fast the future crept onto him, the one thing he can’t escape from. 

Jackson ends up taking this work break to scroll through his phone, and checking the group that he’d muted a while back. Sometimes he needs time to recharge, but he also misses his friends who all live in different places. After BamBam and Yugyeom graduated from BU, they both moved back to New York. Mark was still in Boston. Jaebeom was all the way in Vegas. Jackson is just lucky enough Youngjae goes to Sacred Heart.

It’s when he opens up the group chat, he senses that he’s missed something. Something important. 

Mark: I’m really sorry, Jaebeom. Let us know if there’s anything we can do. 

BamBam: Just say the word and I’ll come if you want. I’ll drag Yugyeom too. 

Yugyeom: He wouldn’t even need to drag me down there, I’d go. 

Mark: I’ll be there to meet you at the hospital. 

Jackson checks the timestamps, and scrolls up. He doesn’t see any messages to indicate what else has happened, and Jackson scrolls through his other messages. He has a few missed calls from Jaebeom, since he’d left his phone on do not disturb. 

He calls Jaebeom back, and the phone rings. 

And rings. 

It goes straight to voicemail. 

Jackson doesn’t know what to do next, and he goes to his next best option, which is calling Jinyoung. 

They text, not as often as Jackson does with the groupchat, so their history looks pretty bare. Jinyoung picks up on the third ring, and Jackson doesn’t know what to say. 

“Is Jaebeom—” Jackson starts. 

“His dad,” Jinyoung breathes into the phone. “They don’t know what happened. He’s in the hospital. Jaebeom took a red eye to Boston, he’ll be there in the morning.” 

“Fuck,” Jackson mutters into the phone. “Do you know what hospital?” 

“I’ll text it to you,” Jinyoung replies. “God, I should’ve gone with him.” 

“Why didn’t you?” Jackson asks. 

“He said he wanted to be alone,” Jinyoung answers. “But I know he really misses you. I’m flying out tomorrow.” 

“What about the lockout?” Jackson asks. 

“Jaebeom was actually going to play in Europe. He had a press release and everything. He was going to leave next week,” Jinyoung admits. “I was going to stay here.” 

“Is everything…” Jackson hesitates. “Is everything okay?” 

“Besides Jaebeom’s dad?” Jinyoung says back. “Me and Jaebeom are solid.” 

“Good,” Jackson sighs in relief. “I don’t have anything tomorrow, so I’ll be able to meet Jaebeom at the hospital with Mark.” 

“Jackson,” Jinyoung says, one last time. 

“Yeah?” Jackson answers. 

“Take care of yourself, okay?” Jinyoung replies. “Get some sleep before you drive out.” 

“Okay,” Jackson nods, and remembers that Jinyoung can’t actually see him through a phone call. “I will.” 

“Bye,” Jinyoung says into the phone, his voice just sounding like a whisper. “I’ll probably see you tomorrow.” 

“Bye, Jinyoung,” Jackson answers one last time, and finally hangs up the phone. 

Before he can set his phone back onto the table, Jackson scrolls through it again, turning his notifications back on so he won’t miss anything. Then he sets his phone back down on his small table, just by his laptop. His apartment feels quieter now, and Jackson rubs at his eyes. It’s pretty late, and Jackson wonders how much sleep he can get before he wakes up in the early hours of the morning to make the drive to Boston. 

He picks up his phone one last time, just to set an alarm and send a quick text off to Youngjae, telling him he’d be going to Boston for the weekend. 

* * *

Jackson doesn’t sleep at all that night. It’s not unusual that he gets less than five hours of sleep, but today he can’t help but worry. The sun still hasn’t even come out yet, and Jackson lays in his bed, taking in the darkness. 

He spent a lot of time with Jaebeom and his family. Boston summers, sometimes winter break and spring break. The last time he probably saw Jaebeom’s family all together was during the last Stanley Cup playoffs. Even if it was another loss, they still all celebrated together. 

After he brushes his teeth and gets changed for the day, Jackson makes sure to pick up his small suitcase that he packed the night before, since he doesn’t know what day he’ll come back. He’s used to the drive, the hours he’d spend going back and forth between New Haven and Boston were always comfortable to him. The quiet drive, where he’d spend a lot of time thinking. It’s easy to drift in and out of his thoughts, and keep himself occupied before he gets to the hospital. 

Jackson talks to Mark on the phone. He doesn’t tell him a lot, just that he’s going to pick up Jaebeom from the airport and drive him straight to the hospital. 

He thinks about his own relationship with his parents. Supportive, caring, but he still hides. He doesn’t want to work for his family’s firm, and he still hasn’t told them about Youngjae. Jackson grips his hand around the steering wheel, and just focuses on the drive. 

By the time he gets to the hospital, Jackson already has four cups of coffee in hand. One for him, one for Mark, one for Jaebeom and his mom. Mark’s sitting outside the room, hunched in close and sleeping uncomfortably in one of the chairs. 

“Mark,” Jackson says, gently nudging him awake. “I brought you something.” 

“Thanks,” Mark mumbles, taking the cup of coffee in both hands. “Couldn’t sleep much last night.” 

“Same here,” Jackson sighs, and sits down next to Mark. “How is he?” 

“I don’t think it’s bad,” Mark answers truthfully. “But I don’t think it’s good, either.” 

“Should we get some food?” Jackson asks. “Have you eaten?” 

“No,” Mark shakes his head. “Jaebeom hasn’t, either. We should probably get some.” 

Jackson has always hated the smell of hospitals. It sits in his nose all the same. The last time he was in one himself was when he injured himself, although not too badly, playing hockey during high school. 

Hospital food, while not the best, satisfies those who are hungry. Mark basically inhales his food, and Jackson buys enough to bring back. It’s when they’re on their way back, that Jackson feels like something else may have gone wrong. 

Jaebeom is sitting outside the room, with his knees brought up to his chest. He’s sitting on the floor, and it’s been a long time since Jackson last saw him like this. 

Jackson hands Mark the containers of food, and kneels down right next to Jaebeom. 

“Jaebeom,” Jackson says, gently holding his shoulders. “Is everything okay?” 

“I don’t know—” Jaebeom stutters. “My mom and I were just there, and all of a sudden they were taking him away for surgery.” 

“Let’s get you seated somewhere else, okay?” Jackson gently lifts Jaebeom up, and lets him lean against him. “Have you eaten?” Jackson asks. 

“No,” Jaebeom shrugs him off. “I don’t want to.” 

“Jaebeom,” Jackson says, more stern this time. “Please.” 

Jaebeom doesn’t say anything after that, but Jackson can feel him shaking. He basically collapses against Jackson, tucking his face in against his neck. Jaebeom’s crying, sniffling, and Jackson just rubs his hand up and down Jaebeom’s back. The last time Jackson saw him this vulnerable was the night of his parents anniversary party. They stand in the hallway like that for a while, Jaebeom crying into his neck while Jackson keeps rubbing circles into his back. 

* * *

They go back to the cafeteria, and Jackson still hasn’t checked the time, but he thinks it’s way past lunchtime by now. The surgery was long, and Mark and Jackson manage to get Jaebeom to eat something. Jaebeom takes tiny bites, something extremely uncharacteristic of him. Slowly picking at his food, letting it sit on his fork. Jaebeom was always the one who told the entire team to take care of themselves, and eat their meals. Jackson wishes there was more that he and Mark could do. 

“Jinyoung should be here soon,” Mark says, breaking the silence. 

“I know,” Jaebeom sighs, and puts down his fork. “He texted me.” 

“Is there anything else you need?” Mark asks. 

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom sighs again. “I should probably find my mom.” 

“Just let us know, okay?” Mark replies. 

“I will,” Jaebeom insists. “I think I just want to sit by myself for a bit, if that’s okay.” 

“We’ll be here,” Jackson says. “I love you, Jaebeom.” 

“I love you too,” Jaebeom answers. “Thanks for being here, I really needed it.” 

“Of course,” Jackson nods. “We’ll always be here.” 

Mark and Jackson stay behind in the cafeteria. It’s the first time all day that Jackson gets the chance to check his phone, and he’s already gotten a few texts from Youngjae and the group chat. Jackson doesn’t want to give updates, not yet, especially since the surgery is still going on. 

“How are things?” Mark asks. 

“I mean, besides all this, I think life was going pretty well,” Jackson shrugs. 

“You don’t sound like it,” Mark presses. “What’s really up?” 

“I feel bad, talking about this now,” Jackson adds. “It’s all these dumb pressures I’ve given myself, and sometimes I feel like it’s too much.” 

“You’re allowed to feel sad about other things, Jackson,” Mark tells him. “It’s a lot, I know.” 

“I don’t want to work for my parents,” Jackson finally admits out loud. “I don’t know if they’ll still support me after I tell them what I want.” 

“If they don’t, just remember, they’re not your only family,” Mark reaches over, and holds onto Jackson’s hand. “You can’t get rid of me and the rest of the guys that easily.” 

“Thanks, Mark,” Jackson smiles, just for a brief moment. “It’s just, I’ve been trying to work on speaking up for myself, I think?” 

“Don’t be afraid to speak up if you don’t feel comfortable,” Mark assures him. “Set your lines down.” 

“How is it really, though?” Jackson asks, changing the subject again. “Do you think his dad will really be okay?” 

“I don’t know much but,” Mark says, frowning. “From what I could tell from the doctor’s faces, it didn’t look good.” 

* * *

Jinyoung finally arrives at the hospital, looking just as tired of the rest of them. It looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep either, and it’s funny, because Jackson spent a lot of time thinking that Jinyoung was perfect. His reputation as a top NHL player has shaped his persona, but the more Jackson has gotten to know him, Jackson wonders if it’s what it’s close to what Jaebeom sees. 

“Hey,” Jinyoung says, greeting the both of them in the cafeteria. “Jaebeom here?” 

“Waiting with his mom,” Mark tells him. “Did you eat?” 

“A bit on the plane,” Jinyoung answers. “I’ll just buy some coffee and find Jaebeom.” 

Jackson is about to offer his cup, the one that he still hasn’t taken a drink out of. It’s only now that he realizes that it’s cold, and probably bad by now. Jackson stares down at the table, drawing his index fingers in circles against the cool table. 

He doesn’t know what else he can do in this situation, and he feels a bit helpless. So he tries to empty out his thoughts, and Mark stirs in his seat next to him, as if he can read his mind. 

“Do you want to get some sleep?” Mark asks. “I can take you back to my apartment.” 

“I’ll be fine,” Jackson insists. “Why don’t you tell me about how things are with you and Minhyuk.” 

“It’s good,” Mark smiles. “Really good. I didn’t think I’d be this happy.” 

“I’m happy for you,” Jackson smiles back. “I still think of that time when you were a scared freshman who thought Jaebeom hated you.” 

“Well, I didn’t know he was such a marshmallow,” Mark laughs. “How about you and Youngjae?” 

“Never been better,” Jackson answers. “It’s a balance, fitting in between our school schedules.” 

“I’m glad you have this space of happiness,” Mark tells him. “I think it’s important.” 

“Yeah,” Jackson nods. “Me too.” 

* * *

It’s been hours. 

Jinyoung collects them from the cafeteria to sit and wait with Jaebeom with his mom. They’re both sitting on opposite sides, Jaebeom holding hands with both of them. 

Jackson sits across from them with Mark, both checking their phones occasionally. Jaebeom texted the group chat not too long ago, letting everyone know his dad was in surgery. They just didn’t know why it was taking so long. 

It feels like so much time has passed and so little at the same time. Jackson looks over at Jaebeom again, still seeing the red rims around his eyes. 

When one of the doctors finally comes back out, Jackson tries to read their facial expression. They’ve only just taken off their mask, and Jackson wonders how collected people can be when they’re telling people news about their loved ones. 

Jackson can’t watch, just at the moment when he sees the pained expressions on their faces. Jaebeom’s mom buries her face against Jaebeom’s shoulder, and Jinyoung is squeezing tightly onto Jaebeom’s hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler for minor character death -- jaebeom's dad.


	2. crashing the net

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content for this chapter:  
> it's not that big of a scene, but there is a mention of grief sex happening offscreen.

Jackson has to go back to Boston when Monday finally rolls around. Monday nights always include family dinner, and Jackson is always happy to see Aimee, his niece. He sits next to her at the end of the dinner table. His brother and his parents are talking about some big case at the firm, and Jackson just asks Aimee questions about her day at school. 

“How’s your friend doing?” his mom asks. 

“He’s...managing,” Jackson answers. He doesn’t really know what to say, handling a topic like this at dinner. “Mom?” Jackson asks. 

“Yes, Jackson?” his mom replies. 

“I want to thank you,” Jackson rests his hands in his lap now, wondering if this is the moment he’ll let everything spill out of his mouth. “I really appreciate everything you and dad have done for me.” 

“Sweetie, you don’t need to thank us,” his mom smiles at him. “We love you, we’d support you through anything.” 

“Mom, there’s something else I wanted to—” 

“Oh, sweetie, can you hold on for a second?” his mom interrupts. “Your father needs to take this call, it’s important.” 

“Yeah,” Jackson nods. “That’s fine.” 

The rest of dinner goes on like that. His parents take a call, his brother has something on the side, and Jackson’s happy to chat with Aimee for the rest of dinner. She’s only in kindergarten, and she’s so excited to tell Jackson about everything she’s learned, and the friends she made during recess. 

“Uncle Jackson?” Aimee asks. 

“Yeah, Aimee, what’s up?” Jackson replies, and wipes the food off the side of her cheek. 

“Is Jaebeom going to be okay?” Aimee continues. “He’s funny and good at hockey, I like him.” 

“Yeah, I like him too,” Jackson smiles. “Jaebeom’s really strong.” 

“So are you,” Aimee replies. “I want to be like you when I grow up.” 

“Aimee,” Jackson smiles again. He thinks it might almost make him cry. Aimee is looking at him, smiling all big even when she has a bit of spinach stuck in her teeth. “Are you sure about that?” 

“Yes,” Aimee nods. “You’re the best at everything,” Aimee exclaims. 

“Study hard in school,” Jackson says, wiping her cheek with a napkin again. “But remember to take breaks and have fun too, because that’s important.” 

“Okay,” Aimee nods. “I will. Thank you.” 

“Good,” Jackson smiles. “Since the adults aren’t looking, should we get ice cream?” 

“Yes!” Aimee almost jumps out of her seat. 

“Okay, shh,” Jackson laughs. “Be quiet though, or we’ll get in trouble.” 

* * *

Jackson spends the rest of the week thinking about the dinner. He was so close to finally telling the truth to his parents. He still feels the weight, still crumbling down on him. They’d decided it the moment Jackson’s brother got into Yale Law. Jackson would follow after him, and when his parents retired, Jackson and his brother would take over together. 

It’s something he thought about, when he was in high school. He looked up to his brother, but as the years have passed, he’s thought of new dreams instead of the ones that have been set in front of him. He likes working in the district attorney’s office, even if half of the place judges him for his name and his background. 

Jackson and Youngjae don’t really get the weekend, since they’ll be both going to Boston together. Everyone is coming, and when Friday finally arrives, Jackson stays at Mark’s apartment, and Youngjae joins them the next day. Yugyeom and BamBam make it from New York, and the rest of them find a way to fit in Mark’s tiny apartment. 

“We’re finally together again,” BamBam says, laying on his stomach, spread across the couch. The rest of them are all laying on the floor, unsure of what to do next. “It’s been so long.” 

“Yeah,” Yugyeom nods. “I didn’t realize how much I really missed everyone until now. It’s so different.” 

“I think,” Jackson finally says out loud. “Nevermind, it’s stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid,” Youngjae says, reaching over to hold Jackson’s hand. “You can say it.” 

“I think I’m going to tell my parents,” Jackson breathes out. 

“You mean…?” Mark asks. 

“I’m going to tell them I don’t want to work for them,” Jackson states. “That and I’m dating Youngjae. It’s been almost two years already.” 

“Are you sure?” Youngjae asks, squeezing his hand. 

“I’m sure,” Jackson nods. “If there’s anything, these last few days, I can’t stop thinking about it.” 

“Do you want me to be there?” Youngjae adds. 

“No,” Jackson says, pressing his lips together. “I can do it.” 

“Just say the word,” Youngjae smiles, and squeezes his hand again. 

After that, Jackson tries to lift the mood a bit again. BamBam rolls onto the floor, basically squishing Yugyeom underneath him, and Jackson laughs for the first time in days. They talk about the old college days, all being back on the team together. It’s the time that Jackson thinks he’ll always cherish the most. 

“I think my favorite time I’ve ever had with Jaebeom,” Mark speaks up. “Is when he used to drag me to the rink at five a.m. just to practice.” 

“God,” BamBam groans. “At five in the morning?” 

“It’s when I really got to know him,” Mark shrugs. “I think it’s why I liked him. He works so hard and he sees the best in everyone.” 

“I see that,” Jackson replies. “He used to wake me up when we lived in the dorm together. Everyone knew that Jaebeom worked harder than god,” Jackson laughs. 

“I miss our parties,” Youngjae sighs. “PT students really go a bit wild, but, it’s not the same without any of you.” 

“You know what this calls for?” Jackson asks, looking at everyone. 

“What?” Yugyeom replies. 

“We should rewatch Miracle.” 

“Noo,” Mark groans. “Not Miracle. Not again.” 

“It’s a classic,” Jackson insists. “Inspirational hockey movie time.” 

They all end up piling on Mark’s tiny couch together, and it’s even smaller than the one that Mark had in his shared apartment with Jaebeom. Jackson is snug on Youngjae’s lap, and Mark is practically laying across BamBam and Yugyeom. They’re just missing one person. 

They’re all quiet during the movie. Jackson’s eyes are glued to the tv, as if it’s the first time he’s ever seen it before. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, just imagining that they’re at the old house, and worrying about their next game. 

It’s exactly what Jackson does. He closes his eyes, rests his head against Youngjae’s chest, and quietly falls asleep. 

* * *

Jackson drives with Youngjae to pick up groceries for everyone. Mark didn’t have much in his apartment. Jackson was tasked with getting enough for the rest of the week, because Yugyeom and BamBam were sticking around longer than Youngjae and Jackson were. 

“Target, really?” Youngjae asks. “Haven’t we been here enough during our hockey days?” 

“Just a little bit of fun,” Jackson replies. “We can get more stuff besides some groceries, maybe pick up some extra sheets because, well, have you seen what Mark has?” 

“You’re going to be picky about his decor?” Youngjae laughs. “We’re guests.” 

“That and,” Jackson lowers his voice. “We need to buy more lube.” 

“Okay,” Youngjae picks up one of the baskets, and drags Jackson to the grocery aisle. “You pick everything and I’ll get the other stuff that you need.” Youngjae hands off the basket to Jackson, and leaves him in the empty aisle.

Jackson wanders the aisles alone, and he tries not to frown. He didn’t want to admit it out loud, but he did enjoy holding hands with his boyfriend while he did mundane tasks like grocery shopping. He manages to fill the basket fine on his own, crossing off the things that Mark had written down on a list. 

After he’s done, Jackson walks around the store aimlessly trying to find Youngjae. The last time Youngjae texted him he was looking through the sheets to find something new for Mark, but Jackson couldn’t find him anywhere. 

Until he remembered the lube comment. 

Jackson finds the right aisle, only to see Youngjae standing in front of a few shelves. A careful hand is placed under his chin, and Jackson just watches as Youngjae tries to make a decision. It’s cute that Youngjae can’t even remember the usual brand that they buy. 

“Hey,” Jackson calls. “Do you not remember the brand?” 

“Not really, no,” Youngjae shakes his head. “Not my biggest concern to read the bottle every time we’re about to have sex.” 

“Are you really—” Jackson sets down the basket in the aisle, and grabs the exact brand that they always buy. “Do you remember now?” 

“Refresh my memory, then?” Youngjae answers. He stands behind Jackson, and puts his hands around Jackson’s waist. 

Jackson feels his face flush, and Youngjae’s hands tug on the waistband of Jackson’s sweatpants. They’re loose, and Jackson was a bit lazy today and ended up not wearing any underwear. 

“Youngjae—” 

“Hand me the bottle, will you?” Youngjae breathes just right against the back of his neck. 

Jackson passes the bottle over, unable to think of what to do next. Youngjae quickly takes it, and Jackson can hear the sound of the bottle opening while he’s faced against the aisle. He places his hand on one of the shelves, just to hold himself upright. 

“Don’t make a sound,” Youngjae whispers. “Can you do that?”

“Y-yeah,” Jackson says, his voice hushed. 

Youngjae’s hands are so warm, just slipping past the waistband of his sweatpants again. Jackson grips on tightly to the shelf, and tries not to make a sound when Youngjae teases a finger against his rim. They shouldn’t be doing this, not here, but Jackson thinks that makes it even hotter. 

Jackson stifles a moan the moment Youngjae finally pushes one finger inside. He’s trying so, so hard to be quiet, but Youngjae just has a way with his hands that leaves Jackson a begging mess. Youngjae’s closer now, almost pressed against Jackson. He tries to reach behind with his free hand, but Youngjae slips his finger out and leaves Jackson empty. 

“Don’t touch,” Youngjae whispers. “Keep your hands against the shelf.” 

Jackson places both hands against the shelf again, leaning against it. Youngjae teases him again, circling his finger before slowly pushing inside of him again. It’s the same moment he finally adds a second finger, and Jackson can’t help the sound that escapes from his throat. He’s whiny, and it’s been so long since the last time Youngjae actually got to touch him like this. Youngjae keeps teasing him, with the slow pace of moving his fingers so carefully and barely curling them to make Jackson squirm against the shelf. 

“Just fuck me already,” Jackson breathes, muffled against his own arm. His face feels so hot already, and Youngjae just keeps playing with him like this. 

“Not here,” Youngjae says right into his ear. “But you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” 

Youngjae adds a third finger, and Jackson nearly bites down onto his own arm. He thinks he could probably come like this, right in the middle of the aisle with no one around to watch him. It’s the risk that excites him, and Jackson lets out another low, whiny noise.

“So cute like this,” Youngjae whispers again. “It’s too bad we won’t be able to do anything else.” 

“Please,” Jackson says, still muffled against his own arm. “Please just—” 

He closes his eyes, and Jackson swears it’s almost a flashback of their time in Vegas. There’s an awkward cough, and Jackson suddenly feels Youngjae grab onto his waist. 

“Excuse me,” a voice calls. “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to leave the store.” 

Jackson opens his eyes again, feeling his face get even warmer than before. He tries to pick up the basket, but Youngjae’s still gripping onto his waist with his fingers inside of him. 

“Leave the basket,” the employee says. “Manager says you two have to leave right away.” 

“Fuck,” Jackson mutters. Youngjae finally slips his fingers out of him, and is barely able to take his hand out of Jackson’s hands without it being noticeable. 

“Can we at least buy this?” Youngjae says, pointing towards the basket they’d left on the floor. 

“Sorry,” the employee shrugs. “Maybe try the other store.” 

Jackson blushes again, and he’s just as embarrassed as the time they got kicked out of Caesar’s Palace. At least BamBam and Yugyeom had been able to have a nice dinner at the restaurant on Jackson’s card. Now, Jackson was left having to go to another store to buy what Mark needed off his list. 

“Let’s go,” Youngjae says, and tugs onto Jackson’s hand. “Before Mark comes back from work.” 

“Ughhh,” Jackson whines. “Okay.” 

He holds onto Youngjae’s hand, and they finally leave the aisle on their way out of the store. It wasn’t the first time this happened, and Jackson thinks that maybe it won’t be the last.

* * *

Jackson ends up spending time alone with Jaebeom next. It was overwhelming for all of them to be together at once, and the rest of the boys have been respectful of Jaebeom’s requests. They had plans to spend some time together after the gathering at Jaebeom’s house. 

The Lims stray from a traditional funeral. Jaebeom calls, asking Jackson to pick him up alone at his family's house. When Jackson pulls into the driveway, Jaebeom is already sitting on the curb outside the doorstep, holding an urn. 

Jackson doesn’t even get a chance to get out of the car before Jaebeom is standing up, and making his way to the passenger seat of Jackson’s car. 

“Hey,” Jaebeom says, and buckles his seatbelt. “Drive me to the garden.” 

“Will do,” Jackson answers, and backs out of the driveway. 

Jackson turns off the music, preferring to drive in the quiet. Jaebeom’s leaned against the window, still holding the urn in his lap. Jackson knows there’s a gathering at Jaebeom’s house tomorrow, but he doesn’t know what they’re going to do at the garden just yet. 

He doesn’t ask, preferring to let Jaebeom tell him on his own time. When they pull up to the garden, it’s quiet and empty. Jackson assumes Jaebeom had called ahead of time, because of his relationship with the team and the city. It’s been so long that they’ve both been in Boston together, and Jackson knows how important this place is to him. 

“It’s silly,” Jaebeom says, unbuckling his seatbelt. “I thought I’d just come here one last time, you know?” 

“It’s not silly,” Jackson tells him. “It’s important.” 

“Jackson?” Jaebeom shifts in his seat again, and Jackson can tell he’s feeling a little uneasy. “Thanks for coming with me.” 

“You know I’d always come,” Jackson says. “Let’s go.” 

When they get inside the garden, it’s cool and empty. They didn’t have the ice set up, because of the lockout, but Jackson sits with Jaebeom in the seats by the glass. It’s so different, just to think that a few years ago Jackson was sitting in these very same seats watching Jaebeom play for the Bruins. 

Life changes so fast, and it’s happening right in front of them. 

They sit quietly for a while. Jackson stares at the empty court. It’s NBA season, and Jackson guesses there must be a Celtics game in the next few days with the current set up. Jackson didn’t keep up with basketball, but it was odd seeing the court compared to the ice he’s used to seeing.

“I had kids coming up to me,” Jaebeom says, finally breaking the silence. “After the news. Kids that my dad coached.” Jaebeom pauses, and sets the urn down on the ground between them. “They told me about how my dad helped them with all the anxiety and pressure they were facing,” Jaebeom swallows, loud, and Jackson just reaches over to hold his hand. 

“And I just thought,” Jaebeom chokes out. “Why couldn’t my dad do that for me? Why am I the one mistake?” 

“You’re not a mistake,” Jackson reaches over, and squeezes Jaebeom’s hand. 

“I just,” Jaebeom looks down. “I don’t know if I forgive him. He’s tried harder, got a little better, but after everything. I don’t know what feels worse.” 

“You don’t have to know right away,” Jackson replies. 

“I don’t know why this is so difficult,” Jaebeom says, and stares back into the empty arena. “I’ve haven’t told a lot of people this, but I just want to make sure that I’m not unloading too much.” 

“I’m here for you,” Jackson assures him. 

“I—” Jaebeom stutters. “I don’t think I’m ready, just yet.” 

“That’s okay, too,” Jackson squeezes his hand again. “Take all the time you need.” 

“You do a lot for me,” Jaebeom smiles, and squeezes Jackson’s hand back. “Just tell me about New Haven. Talk about Youngjae. I want to hear some good things.” 

“I’m going to tell my parents,” Jackson tells him. “That I don’t want to work for them.” 

“That’s really big,” Jaebeom replies. “I’m proud of you.” 

“Youngjae’s always been amazing,” Jackson adds. “I think he makes everything a lot better. I’ve been too hard on myself, and when I finally do give myself that break, he’s always there.” 

“You’ve worked so hard,” Jaebeom says, looking at Jackson again. “You deserve the world.” 

“You do, too,” Jackson says, trying not to cry. “God, I really missed you.” 

“Me too,” Jaebeom replies, and pulls Jackson in to lean on his shoulder. “Now what is this that I’m hearing that you confessed to Youngjae that you wanted to suck my dick in college?” 

“What the fuck, Jaebeom,” Jackson says, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m having a tender moment with you, and you embarrass me like this?” Jackson laughs. 

“I mean, I think at one point I kind of liked you,” Jaebeom admits. “But I don’t think it would’ve worked out.” 

“What do you mean?” Jackson says, pretending to sound offended. “Am I not good enough?” 

“No,” Jaebeom laughs. “Do I have to say it?” 

“I’m glad I met you,” Jackson settles. 

“I’m glad, too,” Jaebeom smiles. “Thanks for everything, Jackson.” 

After they leave the garden, the drive to Jaebeom’s house is less quiet. Jaebeom turns on the music, leaving the volume low, and absentmindedly hums along to the music. When Jackson parks in the driveway, it’s now dark out, and Jackson turns off the engine while the two sit in the car for a bit. 

They both have times when they’re loud, or times when they’re quiet. It’s comforting, feeling like no matter how much time has passed when they’ve talked, it feels easy, just like this. 

“You’ll call me when you tell your parents, right?” Jaebeom asks. 

“I’ll call,” Jackson smiles. “I promise.” 

“Can I also ask you something weird?” Jaebeom continues. 

“How weird?” Jackson asks. “If you want me to sleep in your bed, it’s not weird. I kind of miss it.” 

“I mean, it is weird, if we’re kicking Jinyoung out of my room to cuddle,” Jaebeom laughs. 

“Youngjae can come here then, and they can both cuddle together,” Jackson suggests. “Boyfriend trade.” 

“Boyfriend trade,” Jaebeom chirps. “What is this, are we NHL teams making a trade?” 

“Something like that,” Jackson laughs again. “Let’s go inside. Let me borrow some clothes.” 

“Alright,” Jaebeom says, and finally unbuckles his seatbelt. “I missed this, the times when we lived in the same house.” 

“I do, too,” Jackson agrees. “Your friendship is important to me.” 

“Am I just going to keep thanking you today?” Jaebeom says, and nudges Jackson gently. 

It almost takes Jackson back to college, if only the current circumstances weren’t happening that brought them back together in this moment in the first place. Jaebeom smiles at Jackson, and Jackson is just happy he gets to see his best friend have a small moment where he isn’t constantly reminded that he needs to perform his grief. 

* * *

The gathering happens at Jaebeom’s house the next day. The street is lined with cars, and the Lims have a full house. A lot of people came to pay their respects to Jaebeom’s dad and his family. He took on coaching hockey for a while, not long after Jaebeom’s first season in the NHL ended. 

Family is complicated. Jackson’s had his fair share of problems. Sometimes he thinks about the way he and Jaebeom were both raised. As a child, Jackson’s parents encouraged him to be athletic, and also take up his studies. Jackson was focused, but his name, like Jaebeom’s, followed him everywhere. 

It happens at the district attorney’s office. Some people have seen his resume. Phillips Academy. Boston University. Yale Law. A family of lawyers. He was the privileged one in the office, and people always doubted his work ethic and ability. Jackson knows he’s smart, and he’s not going to place his worth on what other people think about him. 

The house feels a bit crowded, and they all find Jaebeom with no problem. He’s with Jinyoung in the backyard, since the inside of the house is always overwhelming. Everyone takes turns hugging Jaebeom, and after, they all sit together at the round table on the back deck. 

It’s quiet, and since the back door to the house is open, they can hear the people inside the house talking. It’s mostly people expressing their condolences to Jaebeom’s mom, and other chatter. Jackson loses track of how much time they spend outside, and soon Jaebeom’s mom is calling them all back inside to ask if anyone has a few words to say. 

When they get inside, it feels hotter and a bit stuffier than before. The boys enjoyed the cool fall air outside, and the heat of the bodies filling up the house makes it feel more alive, almost. Jackson remembers how empty it seemed the other night. 

There’s a few kids who want to say a few words. They all look like they could be going into the first year of college, and Jackson guesses they’re kids that Jaebeom’s dad coached. It’s a nice speech, talking about how helpful Jaebeom’s dad was. A great figure and someone to learn a lot from. Someone who helped them with their game. 

It’s odd observing these people, knowing what he knows. Everyone who only sees the best in what Jaebeom’s dad had presented to them. Someone who was a hockey legend, a famous figure, a kid’s hockey coach. 

More people speak up. It’s some former teammates from the Bruins, and a few people from the organization. Jackson wonders how awkward it must be. The relationships that have changed, ever since Jaebeom got traded. Jackson feels his palms get clammy, and tries to wipe them against his dress pants. It still doesn’t help. 

Grief is strange. Jackson didn’t know Jaebeom’s parents well, not in the way Jaebeom knew them. It makes him think of his own relationship with his parents, and how sometimes they could relate to each other. It’s like they’re speaking to no one. What use is there in talking, when people aren’t going to listen to you? His parents are supportive when it comes to school, his work, and when it came to hockey, but when it came to other things, sometimes they just didn’t understand. 

He thinks about the last dinner with his parents. There’s always a fear there, you never know how much time you have left with someone. Jackson wonders if he’ll live his whole life without telling his parents about an important part of him. Or if he’ll suffer in silence along the way, working and doing something for the rest of his life that he doesn’t want. A choice that is still decided for him. 

When he tunes back in, still listening to all the other speeches, it’s difficult to listen to. Jackson has seen the damage that Jaebeom’s been through, a product of being the son of one of the greats. That’s what growing up meant for both of them. Pressure. The feeling of choice. The path of their dreams. That’s why Jackson loved playing hockey with Jaebeom. It was fun. It was different. 

Hockey was what brought a lot of these people together. It’s what brought Jackson to BU. If he never played hockey, he wouldn’t have met any of his friends. When he looks around the room he sees all the former and current players who knew Jaebeom’s dad. Jackson turns to look at Jaebeom one last time, and can’t help but remember what he said at the garden. How his dad had only changed after what happened to Jaebeom. How his parents only listened to him after everything that happened. 

Jackson wonders what else will be the tipping point.

Youngjae senses Jackson’s concern, and Jackson can feel him intertwine their fingers together. Youngjae pulls him in closer, and Jackson looks at him, slightly turning the corners of his lips upward. The kids are just about done, and when everyone in the room starts quietly chatting again, Jackson hears Jaebeom speak up. 

“I can’t do this,” Jaebeom says loudly. He’s tugging onto Jinyoung’s hand, and everyone in the room turns to look at him. “I can’t be here.” 

“Hey,” Jinyoung hushes. “Come here, okay?” Jinyoung wraps an arm around Jaebeom, pulling him close to his chest. 

“All these people,” Jaebeom chokes out. He’s crying, and Jackson can feel everyone's eyes glued to the sight of him. “It’s too much,” Jaebeom sobs. 

Jackson leans over, dragging Youngjae with him so that they can both shield Jaebeom from the audience of eyes. It’s haunting how everyone is staring at Jaebeom. Jackson has always been fiercely protective, especially in times like this. It reminds him of the hospital, before the surgery. He has no way of getting inside Jaebeom’s head, but Jackson knows from his own experiences, having people watch you cry at a moment like this is always hard. 

“No one really knew,” Jaebeom sobs again, a bit quieter now. “They don’t know—” 

“Maybe take him upstairs for a bit?” Jackson says quietly. 

Not a lot of people knew. What Jaebeom’s parents had done to hide the truth of Jaebeom’s accident. Jaebeom had only told him that one night, after the party, they were both cuddled up in Jaebeom’s childhood bedroom. The car accident that never happened, according to Jaebeom’s parents. Everything was quiet. Paid off and dealt through with lawyers.

It happens. Jackson has seen it himself. His family has served enough wealthy families over the years to know. 

“How’s that sound?” Jinyoung asks, nudging Jaebeom. “Do you want to go upstairs for a bit?” 

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says, voice muffled against Jinyoung’s chest. “Let’s go.” 

Jackson takes a drink, and proposes everyone gather for a toast to celebrate the Lim’s life. It’s a distraction, since most of them have stopped watching as Jinyoung takes Jaebeom upstairs. Jackson tries not to visibly sigh in relief. Youngjae is still standing next to him, gently squeezing Jackson’s hand again. 

“I love you,” Youngjae whispers. 

“I love you too,” Jackson whispers back. 

It’s moments like these, even while surrounded by grief and sadness, that Jackson finds his home with Youngjae. One look and his worries are gone for a brief moment, and he’ll know everyone will be okay eventually. 

* * *

Youngjae admires Jackson. There’s so many things that Youngjae has loved about Jackson— ever since they were in college together, and both too shy to say anything to each other. In a difficult time where there are two different roads in Jackson’s life, Youngjae will always be here to support him, the same way Jackson did for him. 

Boston was always going to be special for them. It’s tough now, for the reason they’re all able to be together like this. The NHL lockout, Jaebeom’s dad, the circumstances were never great. 

Youngjae thinks the last great time they all spent together was in Vegas last spring. The time that he and Jackson finally managed not to get banned from one of the hotels for the second time. 

“You did wonderfully,” Youngjae says, squeezing Jackson’s hand again. People are slowly starting to leave, and it feels a little easier to breathe in the house. 

“I did my best to be a good friend,” Jackson smiles at him. “I’m sure anyone would do the same.” 

“I mean it,” Youngjae says, pulling Jackson close to him. “You’re a wonderful friend, and an even better boyfriend.” 

They stand there for a while, just with Jackson pulled up against Youngjae’s chest. It’s comforting, and warm, now that the house is starting to cool down a little bit. Youngjae gently puts his hand on the small of Jackson’s back. He feels Jackson take a deep breath, and Youngjae lazily rubs circles against his back. 

They’ve already been through so much together. A bit of long distance during Youngjae’s last year at BU, and his first year at Sacred Heart when Youngjae thought he was going to fail out of PT school. 

“You’ve done a lot for me, too,” Youngjae replies. “Just know that I’ll always support you, no matter what you choose to do.” 

“Have I mentioned that I love you?” Jackson says back, and Youngjae can feel him smiling again. 

“You have, but I do like it when you say it,” Youngjae answers. “Come on, let’s go help Jaebeom’s mom,” Youngjae adds. 

Jackson untangles himself from Youngjae’s arms, and Youngjae intertwines their fingers together again. It’s secure, and Jackson’s hand is always so warm against his. When they go back to the main part of the house, Youngjae notices the boys are already at work, picking up various pieces of trash and their glasses that they’d left behind. 

“I’ll help clean, yeah?” Youngjae says, squeezing Jackson’s hand. “Jaebeom’s mom said she needed your help cleaning some of the wine someone spilled.” 

“Okay,” Jackson nods. “I’ll check in on you in a bit.” 

* * *

The gathering quickly ended, and everyone slowly left the house one by one, except for the boys. Jaebeom and Jinyoung still haven’t come back downstairs, and Jackson, along with the rest of the boys, help Jaebeom’s mom clean the house. There’s some spilled wine somewhere, and Jackson mops it up in the kitchen while the rest of the boys pick up the trash. He’s trying to drag the mop across the floor, and Jaebeom finally comes back. He grabs the mop from Jackson, and tries to show him how to properly use it. 

“Like this,” Jaebeom says, and drags it across the floor. 

“Okay,” Jackson nods, and takes the mop back. It’s mostly clean now, anyways, but Jackson was going to go ahead and do the rest of the floor. 

He looks at Jaebeom again, only to realize that his suit jacket and tie are completely disheveled. His hair is a mess, and Jackson looks down at Jaebeom’s lips. They’ve always been chapped, but Jackson’s mind wanders. It’s when he sees just a tiny stain on Jaebeom’s suit jacket, that gives him the final clue. 

“Let me clean that for you,” Jackson says, propping the mop against the kitchen counter to wet one of the towels in the kitchen. He rubs it against Jaebeom’s suit jacket. It’s an expensive suit, and Jaebeom’s mom probably doesn’t want to know what Jaebeom and Jinyoung had been doing upstairs in the middle of their gathering. 

Jackson wasn’t one to judge. He knows people process their grief differently. Maybe this was Jaebeom’s way. 

“How did you—” Jaebeom flushes, and Jackson just watches as his face turns pink. “How did you know?” 

“Your hair,” Jackson pats down on his suit jacket. “Your mouth is all…” Jackson trails off. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious you just got your throat fucked.” 

“Thanks,” Jaebeom says, and takes the towel from Jackson’s hands. “I, uh, maybe should change?” Jaebeom asks. 

“I’m not judging you,” Jackson looks at Jaebeom again. “But I think your suit looks fine now.” 

“Jinyoung told me I looked fine to go downstairs,” Jaebeom blushes again. “I probably should’ve checked a mirror first.” 

“No worries, everyone’s gone now anyways,” Jackson shrugs. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“It was only once,” Jaebeom shrugs. “I’m just, I’m going to work on different ways other than this.” 

Jackson finally gets the rest of the kitchen floor clean, and props the mop against the counter again. The house isn’t that quiet, but the rest of the boys are chatting in the back and Jackson thinks they should probably join them soon. 

Jaebeom takes the initiative to properly put the mop away, folding down the collapsible stick and lets the mop drain in the bucket that Jaebeom’s mom had set out earlier. Jackson just follows behind Jaebeom as they go on to meet the rest of the boys, at the same round table in the backyard they were sitting at earlier. 

They’ve all got a can of beer placed in front of them, and Jackson sits in the empty seat next to Youngjae. Jaebeom joins them, taking the seat they’d all left open by Jinyoung.

Youngjae holds his hand again, and Jackson opts not to drink anymore today. Jackson thinks they’re all a little tired now, having spent all that energy in trying to get people to stop gossiping about Jaebeom while he was upstairs. 

“I love all of you,” Jaebeom finally says. “Thank you for coming, and for everything else.” 

* * *

When Jackson finally gets home to New Haven, it still feels different. Everyone processes grief in their own way. The feelings get muddled with his own, trying to figure out a way to tell his parents and let his words come out in the speech that he’s practiced in his head a million times. 

No matter how much he practices it, he knows he’ll still mess up in the end. Jackson rubs at his eyes again, trying not to cry. He still feels heavy with all the emotions after returning from Boston. Jackson fails, and gently wipes the tears from his own eyes. 

His mood is off and on. Jackson turns on at school, trying to go about his day like normal. He tries not to be alone, and stays on campus or late after work to study or finish things to avoid doing them at home. 

Whenever he goes home, he gets ready to go to bed right away. He’s accepted his feelings, that he’s scared, and the future keeps creeping up on him every day the closer he gets to graduation. The sense of adulthood. The real job. He lays in his bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling wondering if the feeling will go away. It’ll pass. He’ll overcome it somehow. Jackson always has. It’s just like how important hockey was to him, having that specific routine and ritual. 

Jackson recalls his freshman days at BU. The ritual right down from the pre-game meal to the way that he and Jaebeom taped their sticks together. The familiarity in thinking of that moment comforted him. Especially when Youngjae joined, and Jackson had helped him. The times they spent warming up together on the ice, and messing around. 

It’s times like these he still thinks about missing living in the house. Surrounded by his friends. His second family. A time where he felt like he could breathe, being at a place where he felt like he was welcomed and somewhere he belonged. 

Jackson thinks that he’s happy, but not completely. It’s something he’s accepted. He’s happy with Youngjae, he’s happy with all his friendships. It’s the drive that he’s had that he thinks all his motivation came from throughout prep school, and in Boston, that has died down and lost its passion. 

He loved school. Jackson loved learning. He spent hours in the library in high school, in times where he wasn’t busy with hockey or other extracurriculars. There’s so much knowledge in the world available and Jackson was ready to have the world at his fingertips. He’s always been grateful that he’s lucky enough to have a family that has been able to support his schooling, aside from the hockey scholarship. 

Sometimes it was a gamble. He knew he could never go pro with hockey, he wasn’t good at it, not at the same level as an NHL professional. It was something that made him happy in that moment, and the four years that he spent doing it. 

The house parties, no matter how loud they were, brought a form of comfort sometimes. Jackson was social, that’s when he was on. All he had to do was put on a good face and have fun, and he did. No thoughts of the future, just how much fun he was going to have in that moment. 

Jackson thinks of the pain of growing up. It felt a little faster for him, because of going to boarding school. The feeling of missing home is different now, because sometimes home for him becomes a person and not a place. It’s his heart that stays with Youngjae, and Boston in the place where they met. The tiny flicker of hope that one day, all his friends will be reunited again in Boston for something that makes them all happy. 

He thinks about Aimee; how his brother has done a great job of raising her. They encourage her to follow her dreams, and Jackson sees it every day when she smiles at him and tells him about her day at school when he bumps into her. 

Family ties— blood ties, even, have been something Jackson has also been thinking about. Jackson remembers how his grandparents moved to America, and began the Yale tradition. His parents met at Yale. Jackson is also suspicious of the fact that his parents think he’s met someone at Yale, too. 

He loves the campus. He loves the history and roots of the school, the same way that he appreciated the roots and history that Jaebeom had with Boston. It’s why he felt so close to him. Jackson’s two most important relationships in his life are both with Youngjae and Jaebeom, filling two different spaces in his heart. 

When it comes down to it, Jackson understands his parents' pain. He understands what they went through, and the struggle they had in building their law firm to become what it is today. He remembers the nights when they came home late, and overworked and exhausted themselves. They always made time for Jackson and his brother, as it was one thing they also valued. 

He understands this pain, but wishes his parents didn’t raise him with this. He can be grateful for the life that they have given him, but not the one where they push this idea where Jackson has to follow the same path. 

Jackson is still laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. His arms are folded across his chest, and he wonders if he’ll get any sleep tonight at all. 

It was another week to get through. Something else before he could catch up with the boys on a joint video call, and spend the weekend with Youngjae. 

For now, he’s stuck rehearsing the same speech in his head. 


	3. breakaway

**Boston University, November 2017**

Jaebeom’s alarm is loud. It rings through his ears, and Jackson wishes he actually slept in his own room that night. It didn’t matter anyways, because Jaebeom was waking up the entire team for their team jog across campus. 

“Get up, Jacks,” Jaebeom says, tugging onto the comforter. It’s the end of November, now getting a little more colder before they go right into winter break. 

“Please,” Jackson whines, and pulls the covers up over his face. “Five more minutes before we jog.” 

“Now,” Jaebeom insists, using his captain's voice. He tugs onto the comforter again, dragging it down to expose Jackson and his bare chest to the cold air. 

Jackson gets up, but he’s still going to complain the entire time while doing it. 

“I don’t get why we have to jog,” Jackson whines again. He picks up one of the discarded sweatshirts onto the floor, and tugs it over his bare torso. He’ll be fine when he’s out jogging, so he doesn’t care to put on any more layers. He already slept in a warm pair of sweatpants, and Jackson doesn’t bother to go back to his room to change. He’s already putting back on the socks he’d left on the floor, and shuffles his way into the bathroom to brush his teeth. 

Jackson blinks because of how bright the fluorescents in the bathroom are. He picks up his toothbrush, and starts hastily brushing his teeth on his side of the bathroom. Jackson and Jaebeom were fortunate enough that their shared bathroom had two sinks since their bedrooms were adjoined by the bathroom. 

He bites down on his toothbrush, and stares at himself in the mirror. Jackson had just turned in all his final application materials to Yale Law, and a few other back up schools just in case he didn’t get in. Everyone, especially his parents, assures him that he doesn’t have to worry. He’s an honors student, juggling multiple extracurriculars, one of them being a student athlete. His GPA sets him above the rest, and he’s a legacy. 

Jackson thinks he spaces out for a moment, because Jaebeom is nudging him and telling him to spit out his toothpaste into the sink. 

“You’re drooling there,” Jaebeom laughs. 

“Yeah,” Jackson grumbles. “Whatever, let’s go.” 

Jackson spits into the sink and rinses out his mouth, and barely runs his toothbrush under hot water before setting it back into the cup on the side of the sink. He pushes the door to his room open, forgetting that he’d left his running shoes on the floor that night. Jackson laces them up as quickly as possible, and runs downstairs to meet everyone else in the hallway. 

Yugyeom is barely awake, leaning against the wall. Youngjae is typing something on his phone, and for some reason, BamBam is here even though he’s only the team manager. Mark is on the couch, spread out and sleeping with his head leaned against one of their other teammates. 

It was going to be a rough morning. 

“Bright and early,” Jaebeom trails right behind Jackson, and greets everyone with an enthusiastic smile. 

“Why am I awake at this ungodly hour,” BamBam whines, and leans against Yugyeom’s shoulder. They’re all filing out the door now, and Jaebeom gets ready to lead them through some stretches before they start their run. 

“You don’t have to be here, Bam,” Jaebeom smiles. “Go inside and get some sleep.” 

“But I don't want to miss team bonding,” BamBam says, and stretches his arms out. “I’m coming with.” 

“Alright,” Jaebeom shrugs. “Jackson, you lead.” 

Jackson hisses, and shakes out his limbs one last time before they start their run. He’ll get used to the cold in a few minutes, but for now, he pulls his hood over his head and tugs on the strings to secure it over his head. 

It was a rivalry weekend. Terriers vs Eagles. It was their most anticipated games, and the added stress after turning in his law school applications and training haven’t been kind to his school schedule with the balance of finals coming up. 

It also didn’t help that his parents were actually coming to watch him play. They haven’t really watched any of his games since high school, and since it was his last year at BU and he was graduating in the spring, they decided to make the trip to Boston. His brother and Aimee were coming too, and Jackson wanted the team to do their best. 

He leads the jog around campus. It’s their usual route, and Jaebeom runs right beside him. Their breaths are even, and Youngjae follows right behind them. They don’t usually talk during runs, mostly because it messes up Jackson’s breathing rhythm and he knows it’ll give him stomach cramps. 

Jackson finally builds up a good sweat, and pulls his hoodie off. His hair sticks to his forehead, and takes his time to look around the scenery on campus. 

No one was awake yet. It’s quiet, and Jackson thinks he could spend mornings like this, if he could wake up this early like Jaebeom does every day. Jackson feels a little sad, knowing that this is his last Fall semester at BU, and it’s coming to an end so close. 

When they all turn the corner on the path, Jackson starts leading the team back to the house. They’ve been jogging for a while, and Jackson’s starting to feel a bit hungry now. There’s nothing worse than an entire house of hockey boys who haven’t eaten breakfast yet. He picks up his speed, almost going at a sprint, and gets to the house before the rest of the team. 

Jackson flops down onto the cold, dewy grass, and takes deep breaths. The rest of the boys catch up, and go inside the house. Mark and Jaebeom are always on breakfast duty, so they’re the first two inside. 

Youngjae finally jogs up, and lays down onto the grass next to Jackson. They both sit there, and Jackson listens to the sound of their breathing. It’s even, and Jackson wonders if they can always be in sync like this. It’s Jackson’s last year, and he still hasn’t told Youngjae how he feels. He wonders if he’ll ever even do it. 

“Nervous?” Youngjae asks. 

“For the game?” Jackson answers. “No.” 

“I mean, about your parents coming,” Youngjae clarifies. “It’s big, right?” 

“Yeah,” Jackson says, his voice wavering just a little bit. “It all feels too fast.” 

“What does?” Youngjae continues. 

“Just—” Jackson sighs. “Life, I don’t know. The game. I’ve been piled with school work, applications, and training, I feel like it’s happening too fast. Next year I’m not going to be in Boston anymore, and it’s strange.” 

“I understand you,” Youngjae turns his head to look at him, and Jackson notices how his face brushes against the grass. “I mean, I still have a year left, but things will be different. You’ll be gone.” 

“We’ll still be friends,” Jackson adds. “All of us.” 

“I know that,” Youngjae smiles. “You’re important to me.” 

“You’re important to me, too,” Jackson smiles back. 

* * *

**New Haven, November 2020**

Jackson wakes up early for a jog. The sun hasn’t even risen yet, and it’s dark and gloomy skies from here. It’s the morning of Thanksgiving, and Jackson doesn’t know how he’s going to handle family dinner tonight. It wasn’t his favorite holiday, considering he spent most of them in Boston at the Lims. 

He invited Youngjae— just as a friend, for now. He still wasn’t ready to tell his parents, and he certainly did not want to do it on Thanksgiving. Jinyoung and Jaebeom were coming too, since Jinyoung’s mom and sisters were staying in Boston with Jaebeom’s mom. They had their holiday early, and would also be spending the night at Jackson’s parents house. 

Jackson grew up in a fairly large home. A lot of his family lived in Connecticut, so they didn’t need to host anymore people, but they had enough bedroom space. Jackson’s childhood bedroom is still intact, and he still stays there occasionally. When he jogs up the street, he waves at a few of his old neighbors. It’s been years but he still sees the same people. He pulls out one of his headphones, and when he gets to the front door, he notices a figure sitting on the doorstep. 

It’s Jaebeom. 

“Hey,” Jackson says, voice dry. “Here so early?” 

“Well,” Jaebeom sighs. “House is a bit crowded at home.” 

“I bet,” Jackson replies. “Jinyoung here?” 

“Went to get coffee,” Jaebeom answers. “Let me in?” 

Jackson steps past Jaebeom, and takes out his key to unlock the front door. Most of the house was still quiet, and his mom would probably be up in a few minutes to start getting the food ready. She never lets Jackson help— mostly because he’s guilty of messing up a few dinners in the past. He tries to shed off his hoodie, but it clings to his shirt and he accidentally takes both of them off at the same time. 

“Really?” Jaebeom laughs. “Aren’t you supposed to wait for Youngjae before you decide to fuck somewhere in public?” 

“How did you—” Jackson turns red, and immediately pulls his sweatshirt back over his head. “I swear to god, if BamBam ratted me out again,” Jackson grumbles. 

“It was Mark, actually,” Jaebeom answers. “You can just show me the room, I think I need to go back to sleep. Long drive.” 

“Will do,” Jackson replies, and tries to forget about the  _ Target Incident _ . 

Jackson leads Jaebeom upstairs. He thinks Jaebeom’s probably only has been over once or twice, over a long summer. They walk past the library, and Jackson finally finds the last guest room on the corner. It has its own bathroom, and Jackson knows this room has the most privacy out of the other ones in the house. 

“Here you are,” Jackson says, opening the door. “I’ll tell Jinyoung to meet you here later.” 

“Thanks again,” Jaebeom smiles. “And for everything else.” 

“You don’t need to keep thanking me,” Jackson reminds him. “You’d do the same for me.” 

“I’d do anything for you,” Jaebeom replies bluntly. “You’re my best friend.” 

“Just go take your nap, and stop being cheesy,” Jackson laughs. He playfully pushes Jaebeom slightly past the doorway. Jaebeom makes a show out of it, and slowly walks into the room. 

“See you,” Jaebeom waves behind him. 

“Have a good nap,” Jackson says back. 

* * *

Jackson goes back to the kitchen downstairs. Just because he can’t help his mom, doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to watch. She’s finally up, and his mom makes an assortment of everything. They have typical American food— the turkey that’s going to be cooking in the oven all day, and a variety of other dishes. The only thing he’s actually allowed to help his mom with is wrapping dumplings. 

He sits at the table, away from the business of the main kitchen. Jackson takes his time, doing everything slowly. If he makes too much, his mom said that they’d just put them in the freezer, anyways. He’s on autopilot at this point, just making as many as he can at this slow pace. It calms him, if only for a moment, for when he stops thinking about all the pressure weighing down on his shoulders. 

Family dinner— Thanksgiving, especially, was just another way for his parents to talk up for when Jackson eventually joins them at the firm full time. He tries not to let it bother him, but the way that his parents keep talking about it is as if Jackson is only a month away from graduating. 

He still has time. Jackson’s only ever measured the time. Boston was four years. Yale would be three. Jackson only kept trying to buy himself more time, as if there was anything else he could do to push away the future that keeps crawling back into his mind. Jackson’s about to take a quick pause to check his phone, only to hear his mom calling him to get the door. 

It’s probably Jinyoung, or Youngjae at this point. 

Jackson pockets his phone, and walks through the long hallway to open the front door. He lets his feet drag, and he knows his mom will hate it, with the way he’s scuffing his slippers against the hardwood floor. Jackson slowly opens the door, and he’s greeted by both Jinyoung and Youngjae. 

“Good.. morning?” Jinyoung squints, and looks down at his watch. “It’s still morning.” 

“Early riser?” Youngjae asks, and slips in through the door past Jackson. 

“Woke up too early,” Jinyoung whines. “Can I take my nap now?” 

“Everyone’s going to help!” Jackson’s mom yells from the kitchen. 

“God,” Jackson groans. “Jinyoung, just run upstairs before my mom sees you. It’s past the library, you can’t miss it.” 

“Will do,” Jinyoung nods, and steps into the house to make a break for the stairs. “Thanks again!” 

Jackson gently nudges Youngjae towards the kitchen. Jackson’s mom was always one to want to say hi to all his friends, and Jackson’s just glad he already made Jinyoung and Jaebeom upstairs to sleep before the rest of the long day ahead of them. 

Youngjae awkwardly steps into the kitchen, and waves at Jackson’s mom. 

“Hi, Mrs. Wang,” Youngjae says, sounding a little shy. It’s not the first time that he’s met Jackson’s mom, but Jackson thinks it’s cute how shy he gets. 

“I told you to call me Sophia, sweetie,” Jackson’s mom laughs. “Go ahead and help Jackson with the dumplings, unless you can do something about these potatoes,” she says, holding out a bowl of chopped potatoes that have yet to be mashed. 

“I think,” Youngjae says, looking even more nervous. “I think it’ll be best to leave me out of potato responsibility.” 

“Good thinking,” Jackson’s mom laughs again. “Have fun wrapping dumplings!” 

Jackson puts his hands around Youngjae’s shoulders, and gently guides him to the table out in the kitchen nook. It’s further from the kitchen, out of view, and a little private except for the window that oversees the backyard. The leaves have long fallen off all the trees, and Jackson takes a moment to look at all the leaves scattered across their back lawn. 

“Pretty,” Youngjae comments, and sits down at one of the chairs at the table. “Do we really need to wrap anymore? This looks like enough.” 

“Trust me,” Jackson says, moving the plates over slightly so he’ll have more room to lean onto the table. “It is enough.” 

“At least we have enough food,” Youngjae says, and helps Jackson move the plates over. “If your mom doesn’t notice, maybe we can make a break for the library when the coast is clear?” Youngjae suggests. 

“You know what,” Jackson nods. “Deal.” 

They end up wrapping a few more dumplings, anyways. Jackson promises he’ll let everyone take extras in the end, especially since they have plates full of them. There was always such a wide variety of food leftover during Thanksgiving that everyone went home with weeks worth of leftovers. 

After a while, Jackson leans against the table, and tries to rest his head against it before Youngjae starts running his fingers through Jackson’s hair. 

“Hey,” Jackson pouts. “What are you doing?” 

“Your mom looks busy trying to figure out something,” Youngjae says quietly. “Hurry!” 

He lets Youngjae grab him by the hand, and Jackson’s never got up so fast. They’re quietly running down the back hallway, to the secret staircase that was behind the main part of the house. Jackson giggles while they run up the stairs, and Youngjae shushes him while they hear Jackson’s mom move again in the kitchen. 

They stop at the top of the stairs, and it seems like they haven’t gotten caught just yet. 

“Shh,” Youngjae presses a finger against his lips, and tugs onto Jackson’s hand again. Jackson assumes he’s leading them to the library, since it seems like the rest of the house is still sleeping. Jackson knows his dad barely uses it these days, and it’s probably the next empty place besides Jackson’s own bedroom. 

The library is big, and full of an assortment of books. There’s law materials, and just a collection of first editions that his parents liked to keep on display. There’s a velvet couch between the shelves, and Youngjae leads him to sit down with him. 

“I forgot how big this place was,” Youngjae observes, looking at all the shelves. “Could double for a mini university library.” 

“House is big,” Jackson shrugs. He remembers the time he’d spend his nights alone in the library as a child, reading while lounging back on this very same velvet couch. Everything from picture books, to classics, Jackson had read everything. “I have a lot of memories here.” 

“Happy ones?” Youngjae asks. 

“I don’t know,” Jackson admits. “I like reading, and I liked spending a lot of time here as a kid. I just don’t know if that’s happiness or nostalgia for the past.” 

“I understand,” Youngjae replies, and intertwines their fingers together. “You think dinner tonight will be okay?” Youngjae asks. 

“It’ll be like every year,” Jackson laughs. “My aunt will ask me why I haven’t gotten married yet, another one will try to set me up, and my parents will ask me if I met someone at school.” 

“Well, you did meet someone at school,” Youngjae squeezes his hand. “They just don’t know it was in Boston.” 

“True,” Jackson nods. “I think they just expect another lawyer.” 

“A doctor is way better,” Youngjae laughs, and squeezes Jackson’s hand again. “But no pressure.” 

“Enough of all this,” Jackson says, and leans back into the couch. “Why don’t we have some fun?” 

“In the library?” Youngjae asks. “At your parent’s house, where Jinyoung and Jaebeom are in the room next door, probably sleeping?” Youngjae goes on. 

“Well, I do need to shower before dinner,” Jackson shrugs. “The library is pretty much soundproof,” Jackson adds, and tugs onto Youngjae’s wrists. “It’s not any different from the library at Yale.” 

“Well, it is different,” Youngjae’s leaning over Jackson now, with his lips just inches away. “We don’t have an audience here.” 

Jackson can feel Youngjae’s breath against his lips, and just when Jackson thinks Youngjae is going to finally kiss him, the doors to the library swing open. Youngjae stumbles, and sits down on the couch next to Jackson. They’re both paranoid for a moment, thinking that it might be one of Jackson’s parents. He suddenly feels like a high schooler all over again, just like when he got caught in the dorms at boarding school. 

“I told you,” Jaebeom says, walking into the library. “Jackson can’t even keep it in his pants for a second.” 

“Christ, Jaebeom,” Jackson groans, and grabs one of the couch pillows to put over his lap. “Can’t you two just, like, stop being so loud?” 

“I just wanted to look at the books,” Jaebeom shrugs. “You know we like to read.” 

“Okay, nerd,” Jackson sighs. “I guess I’ll go take a shower now that you’re all here.” 

Jackson leaves the library alone, and doesn’t bother closing the door behind him. For now, Jackson doesn’t mind if his mom catches them hanging around without helping around the kitchen. He walks down the hallway to his room, at the opposite end of the guest wing. Jackson only got here last night, and he still wasn’t used to seeing his childhood bedroom. 

It’s still decorated the same. 

Hockey posters, and it’s even weirder now that there’s an empty space where a Bruins poster used to sit. He’d taken it down the moment he got in, feeling weird seeing Jaebeom’s father’s face in the center of it. The wall is faded around the poster, and Jackson turns away from the empty space of the wall to dig through his closet for fresh clothes. He’d wear something semi-decent for dinner. A nice shirt, and he can figure out the rest later. 

Jackson has his own bathroom, and he takes his time in the shower. It’s terrible that he showers with such hot water, feeling it almost burn against his skin. He loses track of how much time he spends, just letting the water wash over him and all the sweat from his run earlier in the morning. 

After he finishes washing his hair, Jackson finally turns off the water. He towel dries as fast as he can, and when he grabs hold of his phone he realizes it’s nearly 3 o’clock. The rest of Jackson’s family was supposed to be arriving soon, since they usually had dinner earlier on Thanksgiving. 

He rushes to get his hair dry, and Jackson stumbles back into his bedroom trying to find the clothes he’d laid out on the bed. There’s a white button up, some dress pants, and socks that Jackson tries to put on as fast as he can without dripping his wet hair everywhere. He towels it off as best as he can, and starts putting on his pants in a haste. 

His hair is still wet, but he brushes it as best he can. It sits across his forehead, and Jackson thinks he looks like he’s lost a few years. He puts his watch back on, and straightens his shirt. It’s free of wrinkles, and he smoothes it down against his chest one last time before leaving his room. 

When he walks down the staircase, the house is already filled with some of his relatives. He spots Aimee clinging to his brother, and once she spots him at the top of the stairs she breaks out into a sprint and runs to him. 

“Uncle Jackson!” Aimee meets him halfway up the stairs, and she’s hugging onto his legs. 

“Hey, Aimee,” Jackson smiles, and pats her head. “Have you met my friends?” 

“Not yet,” Aimee shakes her head. “Can we?” 

“Yeah, of course we can,” Jackson nods. “Let’s go.” 

Aimee tugs on his hand and leads him down the staircase. Mostly everyone was here, and the large dining table was already set with plates. Everyone’s mostly standing around, and Jackson manages to find Youngjae, Jinyoung and Jaebeom holed up in a corner. Aimee’s already met Jaebeom a number of times, and it would be the first time she’s meeting Youngjae. 

“Jaebeom!” Aimee lets go of Jackson’s hand, and basically tackles Jaebeom’s legs. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too,” Jaebeom laughs. “Has she gotten taller?” 

“Probably,” Jackson shrugs. He kneels down to Aimee’s height, and after she’s done hugging Jaebeom she turns her attention to Youngjae and Jinyoung. “These are my friends. Youngjae and Jinyoung.” 

“Hello,” Youngjae waves. “I went to Boston University with Jackson.” 

“I want to go to BU like you and Uncle Jackson,” Aimee tells him. “And I want to play hockey! Like you,” Aimee says, and points at Jinyoung and Jaebeom. 

“Do you play?” Jinyoung asks. 

“Just a little,” Aimee nods. “I want to be a forward too.” 

“Sorry, she’s just really excited,” Jackson’s brother finally comes back, and grabs hold of Aimee’s hand. “We’ll let you enjoy yourself for a bit.” 

“It’s fine,” Jackson insists. “Aimee, do you want to sit with us for dinner?” 

“I want to sit with mom,” Aimee replies. “But for dessert?” 

“Sure,” Jackson smiles. 

* * *

After one of his last relatives finally arrives, everyone gets seated at the table for dinner. There’s just under 20 of them, with Jackson’s extended family and other friends. He sits next to Youngjae, while Jaebeom and Jinyoung are seated across from them. They’re at the end of the table, closer to the window while Jackson’s parents sit on the opposite side. 

Everyone gets busy with loading their plates first, and Jackson always waits for everyone else to get their share before he decides to load his plate with portions. When Youngjae finishes loading his plate, Jackson reaches for one of the serving spoons. He puts some potatoes down onto his plate, and when he tries to put it back, he accidentally drops it onto his lap, which then rolls onto the floor. Jackson sighs, and pushes his chair back so he can reach for it under the table. 

He has a little difficulty finding the spoon, but he finds it almost by Jaebeom’s feet. He doesn’t even think to look up, and that’s when Jackson notices. 

Jaebeom’s hand is squeezing Jinyoung’s thigh, and Jackson nearly hits his head against the table when he sees Jaebeom move his hand to reach under the waistband of Jinyoung’s pants. Jackson feels his face go red, and gets up from under the table to sit back on his chair. He clears his throat, and pulls out his phone. 

**Jackson:** jesus fucking christ jaebeom we’re about to have dinner and all you can think about is dick 

**Jackson:** i know your phone is always on vibrate fucking answer this 

Jaebeom is still eating with one hand, and Jackson coughs again. Jaebeom looks at him with confusion, and Jackson finally speaks up. 

“I think you should check your phone really quick,” Jackson tells him. “You might miss something from your mom.” 

“Oh, right,” Jaebeom says, and puts down his utensil. Jackson ignores him when he finally pulls out his phone. 

Jackson gets up from the table really quickly, just to grab an extra serving spoon from the kitchen and put the one he dropped on the floor into the sink. He lets the water run just a little, and turns off the faucet. He leans against the kitchen sink, and finally checks his phone again. 

**Jaebeom** : sorry wont happen again hahaah 

**Jaebeom** :  thanksgiving time🕐 to gobble 👏 gobble 👏 gobble 👏 on a big ol😜😜 dick 👌💋. 

**Jaebeom** : someone sent me that hahaha 

**Jaebeom** : it was youngjae blame your boyfriend 

Jackson pockets his phone, and sighs. He supposes it’s probably the universe’s way of payback for the time he got banned from Caesar’s Palace and that Target in Boston. 

He makes his way back to the dinner table, and finally replaces the serving spoon for the potatoes that he dropped onto the floor. He tunes into the conversation, which is mostly just a lot of his aunts asking his other cousins their plans after graduation. 

Jackson’s plans, or the plans that he hopes for, is that he’ll continue working at the DA’s office. His parents keep telling him it’s a waste of his degree, and he’ll never make enough to support himself like he would working at their firm. 

Jackson just smiles and nods, and Youngjae stays quiet next to him. Jaebeom manages to avoid talking about the lockout, since most of Jackson’s family only paid attention to hockey when he played in college. Jackson thinks dinner might end up being pretty nice, after all. 

Until his aunts decide it’s his turn be interrogated. 

“Jackson, when are you getting married?” 

There’s hushed whispers at the dinner table, and Jackson doesn’t know if he should take this as a negative sign. He’s in his 20s and he’s still in school, and marriage was the last thing on Jackson’s mind, even though he knows Youngjae is the one for him. 

“Jackson, how about I set you up with my coworker’s daughter? She just graduated from Harvard, I know you love Boston.” 

He tries not to visibly roll his eyes. Jackson doesn’t know what going to Harvard has to do with any interest with anyone at all.

“Jackson, why are you even bothering with work at the DA’s office? You know you can’t make money that way.” 

Jackson swallows, and sets his fork down on the table. The questions seem to start echoing in his head, and even if they’re just teasing him, he can’t stop himself from opening his mouth. 

“Shut up,” Jackson says out loud. “Shut up.” 

“Jackson—“ his mom scolds him. 

“I’m nowhere near ready to get married,” Jackson answers. “What I love about Boston is the friends I made there,” Jackson adds. “And most importantly, I don’t want to work at the firm after I graduate from Yale.” 

“Sweetie, let’s talk about this some other time, okay? You know they’re just teasing,” his mom replies. 

“No,” Jackson shakes his head. “We’re going to talk about this right now.” 

Jackson gets up from his seat, and goes through the dining cabinets on display against the wall. His parents were never one to celebrate his achievements, and he knows they kept his Boston University diploma in one of the drawers. 

He finally finds it. Jackson pulls it out of a plain manila envelope, and holds it out in front of him. 

“You never wanted me to go to Boston,” Jackson says, showing his parents the certificate. “You didn’t care that it made me happy, you only cared that it wasn’t the school you wanted me to go to.” 

Jackson turns his diploma, just to look at his own name written in neat print. He graduated with honors and a perfect GPA, but it still wasn’t enough. He holds it out again in front of everyone, facing his name out again. He pinches it between his fingers, and rips it right down the middle. 

He can hear his aunts gasp, and Jackson tears the diploma into fourths. He doesn’t care, since he can always get a new one anyways. 

“I’m so fucking tired,” Jackson say, and drops the scraps of paper onto the floor. “Of everyone assuming I’m supposed to be this one thing because it’s what you want me to be.” 

Jackson’s just so angry, and everyone at the dinner table goes silent. He watches his cousin’s faces as they all uncomfortably chew on their food, and stare down into their plates. He doesn’t want to stay around for the rest of dinner, and he leaves to go up to his room without another word. 

He only feels a little bad when he closes the door behind him when he gets to his room. Jackson didn’t expect to admit that during Thanksgiving in front of his entire family, and make a scene like he was a teenager in high school. He sits on the floor, and leans his back against the wall. Jackson doesn’t cry, but he lets his head thump against the wall. 

Jackson wonders how long time passes, as his room is dark. He didn’t turn on the lights, and he sits there feeling alone and empty. Jackson debates if he should go down and help with cleaning, but after a moment he decides against it. 

He doesn’t move from his spot on the floor despite how numb his body feels. 

Jackson thinks about moving to the bed, until he hears a soft knock against the door. 

“Come in,” Jackson says weakly. 

“Hey,” Jaebeom calls softly. He opens the door, and closes it behind him to join Jackson on the floor. They’re shoulder to shoulder, and Jackson leans his head against Jaebeom. “So that was.”

“A lot,” Jackson says. 

“You stood up for yourself,” Jaebeom tells him. “I’m proud of you.” 

“I did ruin dinner, though,” Jackson sighs. 

“It isn’t a Thanksgiving dinner without a bit of family drama,” Jaebeom says, and wraps his arm around Jackson. “I’ll leave out the details of mine because this moment is for you.” 

“It just feels…” Jackson trails off. “Good. I don’t know. Less pressure.” 

“You spoke the truth,” Jaebeom says, rubbing his hand up and down Jackson’s arm. “It’s important to you and you communicated that with your family.” 

“I’m just sick of suffering in silence,” Jackson sighs again. “How much are we supposed to just take like that?” 

“You don’t have to take any of it,” Jaebeom tells him. “I know it’s not easy.” 

“I just don’t know what’s supposed to happen next,” Jackson closes his eyes, and leans in closer to Jaebeom. “I’m definitely getting cut off.” 

“Sometimes we don’t know,” Jaebeom replies. “Take it slow. Work at the DA’s office.” 

“I don’t know,” Jackson’s still leaning against Jaebeom, and tries not to sniffle. 

They sit there for a while like that, with their backs pressed up against the wall. Jackson’s not sure how long they sit in silence, but the room stays dark and Jaebeom never turns on the lights. Despite how uncomfortable it is, Jackson thinks he could fall asleep like this. He nuzzles his face into Jaebeom’s shoulder, slightly dozing on and off. Jackson feels his head drift, and Jaebeom presses his hand against Jackson’s forehead to guide him comfortably on his shoulder. 

Just when he thinks it’s peace and quiet, Jackson hears a knock against the door. He’s slow to get up from his spot next to Jaebeom, but Jackson makes an effort to get back on his feet and open the door. He slowly opens the door, barely opening it wide enough for Jackson to stick his whole foot through. 

Youngjae’s at the door. 

Jackson had forgotten that he’d just left him at the table, and Jinyoung must be uncomfortable as well. He regrets it a little more now, but Youngjae’s calming smile seems to reassure Jackson.

“I’ll take it from here,” Youngjae says quietly. “Jinyoung’s waiting for you.” 

“You’ll be okay, right?” Jaebeom asks, standing by the door. 

“Yeah,” Jackson nods. “Thank you, Jaebeom.” 

“You’d do the same for me,” Jaebeom smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Jaebeom finally leaves, and Youngjae closes the door behind him. Youngjae moves to sit on the foot of Jackson’s bed, and pats the empty space next to him for Jackson to join him. Jackson sits, and leans against Youngjae’s shoulder the same way he did with Jaebeom. He doesn’t have much to say anymore, and Youngjae just wraps his arm around him, pulling him in even closer. 

Jackson pulls his knees to his chest, and makes himself feel smaller. He hasn’t checked his phone, and his parents still haven’t come upstairs to check on him. Jackson assumes it’ll be the same way it always is; his parents wait for him to apologize. Jackson never gets an apology in return, because they’re always supposed to be the ones who are right. 

He remembers the time he got injured in high school playing hockey. It wasn’t even that bad of an injury, just that Jackson needed to rest his ankle. It wasn’t even his fault that he got injured, it was the opposing team who kept targeting him. Jackson’s parents made a big fuss of it, taking him to the hospital and made him apologize for getting injured. It was out of his control. Jackson couldn’t do anything about it, and he was the one who was hurt and out of playing the game for a month. 

“What are you thinking about?” Youngjae asks. 

“Mm,” Jackson mumbles. “Parents. I don’t know.” 

Jackson still doesn’t know how to navigate this relationship. He’s happy that he’s introduced Youngjae to his parents, but it’s not in the way that’s meaningful for Jackson. To them, he’s just a friend.

“You tore up your diploma,” Youngjae says quietly. 

“I know,” Jackson replies, and he almost laughs. 

“Your mom was trying to tape it back together,” Youngjae tells him. “I don’t think she knows that you can pay for another copy.” 

“Really?” Jackson’s surprised. 

“Your parents looked really worried after you left,” Youngjae adds. “Are you going to talk to them?” 

“I don’t know,” Jackson shrugs. “Why don’t we just get ready for bed?” 

Jackson takes a change of clothes with him into the bathroom, leaving Youngjae behind in the bedroom. His parents had another guest room where Youngjae was supposed to be staying, but like the other times that Youngjae stayed over, he always snuck over into Jackson’s room anyways. By the time Jackson finishes changing, Youngjae is on the bed in a fresh change of clothes. 

Jackson doesn’t feel like saying anything else, and lays on the bed next to Youngjae. He’s leaning up against the headboard, and Jackson just watches as Youngjae scrolls through his phone. He doesn’t look up, and Jackson wonders if he should turn off the lights. 

Youngjae seems to read what’s on his mind, and reaches over to turn off the lampshade on the other side of the bed. The room is dark again, and Jackson lays back onto the pillows, trying to relax. He stares at the ceiling for a while, trying to fall asleep. Youngjae is next to him, although not too close. Jackson can tell he’s already asleep from the way his chest slowly rises and falls, and Jackson tries his best not to disturb him. 

He checks his phone on the nightstand, and turns down the brightness to check what time it is. The clock reads just after midnight, and Jackson didn’t realize he was holed up in his room for so long. Everyone is long gone by now, and Jackson’s parents and brother are well done with cleaning by now. 

Jackson slowly tries to roll off the bed, and gets up as quietly as possible. He tiptoes across the room, and tries not to let the door creak on his way out. He barely manages to get past the door without making a sound, and doesn’t even end up closing the door all the way to prevent the loud click. 

He creeps down the hidden staircase, just in case anyone is still up. It leads him straight to the kitchen, which is where Jackson needs to go anyway. Thanksgiving tradition always had one rule: no matter how much pie everyone stuffs themselves with, there are always cookies afterwards. He wonders if there’s any left on the counter. When Jackson slowly tiptoes into the kitchen, he spots a plate of them in the middle, as if they were waiting for him. 

Jackson opens one of the cabinets above the sink, just so he can get himself a glass of water. He’s sure they’re out of milk by now, and Jackson sits at one of the barstools at the middle counter of the kitchen. He takes a sip of water, and as soon as he reaches for the plate of cookies, he’s surprised to see his mom turning on the lights in the kitchen. 

“You’re up,” she says, and sits across from him. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Jackson shrugs, and takes a bite out of one of the cookies. 

“I’m sorry,” Jackson’s mom says quietly. 

“Um—” Jackson nearly chokes on his cookie, and grabs his glass of water to take a quick sip to keep himself from coughing. “ _ What _ ?” 

“I’m apologizing,” his mom replies, and neatly folds her arms across the counter. “For all those years, when your father and I thought we were doing what was best for you, and that it was what you wanted. We didn’t realize that we also had some faults.” 

“Mom—” Jackson starts. 

“I’m sorry we ever made you apologize for things you didn’t have to. I’m sorry we didn’t celebrate your achievements, and that we barely went to your games at BU. Your father and I missed out on a lot,” she frowns. “I know we can’t change the past, but just know that we don’t expect you to work at the firm.” 

“There’s something else I wanted to tell you at dinner,” Jackson adds, and sets his cookie back down on the plate. “I didn’t want to do it, not in front of everyone, but,” he bites down on his lip. Jackson fees his hand shake a little, and he rests it against the countertop. “Youngjae’s my boyfriend.” 

“Oh,” his mom replies. She doesn’t look disappointed, but Jackson doesn’t know if he can read her face exactly. “Are you happy with him?” she asks. 

“Yes,” Jackson nods. “Very much.” 

“What matters is that you’re happy,” his mom smiles. “Thank you for telling me.” 

“I guess now would be the time to admit that he’s sleeping in my room right now,” Jackson replies dryly. 

“I’d like to have dinner, all together if you’d like,” she reaches over, and places her hand over Jackson’s. “No pressure, I just would like to get to know Youngjae as your boyfriend rather than your friend.” 

“Can we sit on it for a bit?” Jackson asks. “Maybe Christmas?” 

“That sounds lovely,” Jackson’s mom smiles again. “Now get some sleep, you’ve had a long day.” 

“Mm,” Jackson nods. “Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight,” his mom calls after him. 

Jackson slowly drags his feet across the kitchen, making his way towards the same back staircase he’d come down from earlier. He feels a little lighter, like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. He’d expected his parents to wait for him to apologize. Granted, Jackson thinks he might at one point, but for himself and not for the comfort of anyone else. It was less scary than he thought it’d be. Jackson had plenty of boyfriends and girlfriends in the past, but he’d always been terrified. He steadies his balance against the railing of the stairs, and gently wipes the tears building up in the corner of his eyes. 

When he gets to his bedroom, he slowly closes the door behind him. It clicks, and he can hear Youngjae rustling around in the sheets. Jackson lays back down in his spot, and wraps his arm around Youngjae’s waist, pulling him closer to him. 

“Mm?” Youngjae hums, voice muddled with sleep. “Where’d you go?” 

“Had a talk with mom,” Jackson whispers. “Go back to sleep.” 

“Okay,” Youngjae mumbles. “Love you.” 

“I love you too,” Jackson says, and lays his head down on the pillow. He traces his fingers against Youngjae’s skin, reaching up to his arm. He’s fast asleep already, and Jackson tries to match his breathing with Youngjae’s. He treasures the small moments like these, ones where Jackson thinks he can tune out the rest of the world and focus on the two of them. After a few moments pass, Jackson finally closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. 

  
  



	4. full strength

**December 2020**

After Thanksgiving, Jackson doesn’t have any time to think anymore, getting thrown into the last few weeks of the semester and finals suddenly creeping up on him. He’s stressed out, and thinking too much about his grades. He’s taking a break for now, and Youngjae is currently borrowing him just to review his anatomy. 

Jackson just didn’t expect it to be so literal. 

He had the heat turned up in his apartment, and Youngjae’s wearing gloves, out of all things, while touching and squeezing some of Jackson’s muscles. Jackson had to wear a loose-fitting tank top and flimsy pair of shorts, and if this goes on any longer, Jackson might just have to pull Youngjae over his chest so they can stop studying. Youngjae squeezes Jackson’s thigh, and Jackson can’t help but let a groan escape from his throat. 

“Are you okay?” Youngjae asks, gently brushing his hand against Jackson’s thigh. 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Jackson says, adjusting his position against the couch. “Can I move onto my back?” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Youngjae says, and removes his hand. “Just turn for me.” 

Jackson flips onto his back, and Youngjae manages to fit between his legs on the couch. It was roomy, and they’ve already spent more than enough nights on the couch to be able to test this out. Youngjae runs his hands down Jackson’s thighs again, and Jackson tries not to hiss at how sensitive he is already. 

Youngjae runs his gloved hand up Jackson’s thigh, moving them further up his shorts. They were so small already, and Jackson places his hand over Youngjae’s. 

“What are you doing?” Jackson asks. “Aren’t you supposed to be studying?” 

“Maybe this is studying,” Youngjae hums. “We could make it a little fun.” 

“With—” Jackson stutters. “With gloves?” 

“It’ll be nice,” Youngjae says, and Jackson watches as he holds the bottle of lube in his hands. He squeezes a small amount onto his fingers— the gloves, spreading it between his hands. “Take off your shorts.” 

Jackson moves awkwardly, the couch suddenly feeling a little too cramped while he manages to get his shorts off. They were so small he didn’t bother wearing anything underneath, and Youngjae gets one hand on his thigh, squeezing onto it. 

“I have a feeling you knew we were going to do more than study,” Youngjae drawls. He pushes Jackson’s legs apart a little further, and squeezes the soft flesh of Jackson’s upper thigh. His gloved hands feel different, but Jackson thinks he might like this a lot. Youngjae circles his finger against the rim, and Jackson’s breath hitches. “You good?” Youngjae asks. 

“Yes,” Jackson answers. “Please.” 

Youngjae’s always so careful, delicately pushing one finger past. Jackson holds in his breath, so used to the skin of Youngjae’s fingers. 

“Fuck,” Jackson groans, and Youngjae pauses, his gloved finger only knuckle-deep. “I’m good,” he breathes out. 

Youngjae keeps going, pushing in even deeper. Jackson’s just surprised at how good it still feels. He tilts his head back into the couch, and closes his eyes. Youngjae’s hands are so gentle, making sure every moment feels pleasurable for Jackson. The slow move of his finger, going further and making sure he’s stretched enough before adding a second. He’s so precise and timed, lightly curling his fingers to make another moan escape from Jackson’s throat. 

Jackson’s mouth is slightly open, trying to catch his breath when Youngjae starts working his fingers quicker. Jackson forgets Youngjae’s even wearing gloves, with the warmth that seeps through and brushing up inside him makes everything feel so much more. Youngjae adds a third finger, letting the pace build and moving them steadily while the sweat begins to shine across Jackson’s forehead. 

Youngjae’s hand on his thigh is almost too much, and Jackson’s cock is laying hard against his stomach. He reaches down to touch, just for some relief, and Youngjae’s other hand is quick to stop him. 

“Not yet,” Youngjae lowers his voice. 

He curls his fingers, and Jackson lets his eyes close and roll back. Jackson is ready, he knows he is by now, and Youngjae is an expert with his body at this point. He’s teasing him, moving his fingers so slowly that Jackson thinks he might cry if Youngjae doesn’t fuck him soon. Jackson’s chest rises, and when he’s about to whine, Youngjae withdraws his fingers entirely. 

“Youngjae,” Jackson pants. “God,” he groans, and shifts his hips down into Youngjae’s touch. 

“You’re a lot quieter when we’re at home, you know,” Youngjae hums quietly. Jackson doesn’t blink open his eyes, because he knows Youngjae has that smug look on his face every time they get up to something. He can hear the pull of the gloves coming off, and Youngjae’s hands are on his thighs again, skin to skin, trailing up to his hips. Youngjae presses his thumbs into the dimples of Jackson’s waist, with his grip almost bruising. 

“You like it, too,” Jackson says, playing up his confidence. “When we’re not at home,” he adds. 

“Shut up,” Youngjae’s confidence only slightly falters, and he takes Jackson by the hips, tugging him up slightly. Jackson opens his eyes, just to see Youngjae looking at him with that same, intense gaze. Youngjae presses his cock up against his taint, and Jackson whimpers, just waiting for him to push his cock inside him. 

Youngjae rubs his cock against him, his hands pushing Jackson’s waist down so he can’t move up into his touch. His arms are so strong, and Jackson doesn’t even notice the small whimpering noises he keeps making in protest. 

Just when Jackson thinks Youngjae is going to fuck him, Youngjae takes hold of him— manhandling him to flip him back on his stomach. Youngjae holds him down, and inches forward, pushing the head of his cock past Jackson’s rim. He’s less delicate this time, and when he bottoms out, Jackson plants his face against the arm of the couch. He’s so warm, the feel of Youngjae pulsing against his skin, and Jackson’s moans are muffled against the plush. 

Youngjae works his hips, changing his rhythm every so often. He has his hand pressed against Jackson’s lower back, and it’s always slow, before Youngjae quickens his pace. His hips— slam hard against Jackson just once, shifting the both of them against the couch. Youngjae pushes again, the rhythm of his hips finally building a steady, even pace to make Jackson whimper all over his cock again. 

Jackson can’t remember the last time they’ve been able to completely unfold like this, with the two of them without any interruptions. Youngjae becomes more needy now, pushing his hips forward into Jackson hard enough to finally get at a deeper angle. A single tear flows down Jackson’s cheek, and Youngjae slams against him again, making him groan out. 

Jackson holds in his breath again, feeling his cock grind against the touch each time Youngjae fucks back into him. The couch was already beyond saving, and Jackson just feels the wet spot of precome every time Youngjae moves him. 

Youngjae gets more intense the longer he goes on, fingers digging into Jackson’s lower back and it’s take, take, take. He knows every curve of Jackson’s body, whether it’s from hours of Jackson being his model for anatomy or the times Youngjae presses his body against him like this. He can feel Youngjae now, just hovering above his back, with his cock sitting so deep inside Jackson it’s another new feeling. 

Jackson is so close, just grinding his hips down on every turn that Youngjae moves, only getting the tiniest bit of relief on every thrust. Youngjae presses his chest up against Jackson’s back, and the movement of his hips slow down. Youngjae’s breath tickles the skin of his neck, and Jackson whimpers one last time before he comes untouched; messing up the couch even further. 

Youngjae keeps going, thrusting with slower, harder movements. Jackson senses he’s close already, and before Youngjae moves forward, Jackson lifts his hips back, fucking himself onto Youngjae’s cock. He meets him at every thrust, and Youngjae’s breathing hitches. The rise of air that Jackson feels against his back and Youngjae’s hips stuttering. The sounds he makes are always so pretty, and Youngjae’s body relaxes against Jackson. He pushes even deeper, right before he comes, his cock pulsing and spilling hot into Jackson. 

They make no effort to move, and Jackson’s bangs are matted against his forehead. He catches up with his breath, and his thighs feel tense with the tangle of their limbs. The couch seems smaller now, with both of them pressed up in the same space. Youngjae slips his softening cock out of him, and Jackson groans once Youngjae lets up, finally letting Jackson breathe a little easier. 

Youngjae turns Jackson onto his side, just so he can slide between the ledge of the couch and spoon Jackson close to him. Youngjae wraps his arm around his waist, cuddling him closer while they feel the sweep of the cold air come in again. 

“That was studying?” Jackson asks. 

“Mm,” Youngjae murmurs, and presses his lips against Jackson’s neck. “What’s a better way to learn about anatomy.” 

“The gloves—” Jackson starts, and he feels Youngjae’s hand trail down Jackson’s abs. “I liked it.” 

“We can always do it again,” Youngjae says, and softly kisses Jackson’s shoulder. “I love everything with you.” 

“Thank you,” Jackson hums. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Youngjae echoes. “Now, let’s clean up so we can get back to studying.” 

“Studying,” Jackson groans. “Do we have to?” 

“Yes,” Youngjae insists. “But we can lay here for ten more minutes.” 

“Thank god,” Jackson groans. “Let me close my eyes for a bit.” 

“Sure,” Youngjae smiles, pressed up against Jackson’s skin. “I’ll wake you up.” 

Jackson closes his eyes, feeling Youngjae hum against his skin again. The touch of his lips are so light, and Jackson thinks a quick nap wouldn’t be too bad. They’ve pulled all-nighters for studying before, so this wasn’t a new experience. 

A quick break, then back to the routine of studying. Sometimes Jackson wonders how much better this would’ve been in their Boston days, if the both of them had gotten their shit together sooner. 

At the end of the day, when Jackson thinks where he’s at now, he thinks maybe this is just as good. If not, even better. 

* * *

Christmas dinner comes sooner than Jackson expected. Finals just ended, and Jackson finds himself in his childhood bedroom for the first time since Thanksgiving. Ever since he told his mom about Youngjae, his parents were stricter this time around, making sure that Youngjae stayed in the guest room on the other side of the house, far away from Jackson’s room. It certainly put a damper on things, but Jackson is sure they can still find time to sneak away from the party. 

There’s less family this time around, and only Jackson’s brother and parents are celebrating for the holidays. Christmas was reserved for them, while Thanksgiving tended to be a bigger family holiday. Jackson prefers it like this, away from the judging eyes of his aunts and trying to find a way to become comfortable with his family again. He would be lying if he said he was fine now, but Jackson is still managing. He’s still working through and talking with his mom more often. His brother and his dad have been understanding and reassuring him that they support his decision to not work with them at the firm any longer. It still took some time, and discussion with his brother and his dad after Thanksgiving. 

Jackson thinks that Thanksgiving was just the starting point for everyone to open up to each other. His brother later told him he never wanted to be a lawyer at all, and Jackson wonders how he continues to hold up every day. Jackson thinks the years could’ve been a lot easier if they opened up and talked to each other more, but the distance and age gap sometimes made things difficult, since Jackson spent a lot of time away from home. He likes that their relationship has evolved now, since they’re in each other's lives more often and Jackson likes taking care of Aimee on his free days. 

They’re all sitting in front of the Christmas tree, taking family photos while wearing ugly sweaters. Youngjae has taken up their role as the family photographer, and he manages to get all their good angles after Jackson’s mom insists on making him take 50 different photos from various positions. 

“I think that’s the last one,” Youngjae says, holding the camera away from his face. “Is that fine, Sophia?” Youngjae asks. 

Jackson tries not to laugh, but he thinks it’s adorable when Youngjae is still shy and nervous around his mom. He always looks unsure, even when his mom had asked Youngjae to call her Sophia dozens of times since they first met. Jackson steps forward, and takes the camera from Youngjae’s hands. They’re shaking just a little bit, and Jackson laces their fingers together and brings them to his lips to press a soft kiss against Youngjae’s knuckles. 

“You did great,” Jackson smiles. “My family loves you.” 

“Are you sure?” Youngjae asks nervously. “It’s like, I still don’t know if she even likes me.” 

“You passed the test,” Jackson laughs. “Not even me or my brother would be willing to take that many photos.” 

“I’m just a little scared,” Youngjae admits. “I’m not a lawyer like everyone else here.” 

“Please,” Jackson squeezes his hand, and pulls him closer to him. “You’re a doctor. You’re cooler than everyone in this room.” 

“He’s not a doctor yet,” his mom sing-songs. “Now let’s get you two lovebirds to the dinner table.” 

“See,” Youngjae says, lowering his voice. “Like, what was that?” 

“You’re fine,” Jackson says, kissing Youngjae’s hand one last time. “We’re fine. Now let’s go eat dinner.” 

* * *

After dinner, Jackson stays behind to help his mom clean up the dinner table. Youngjae went to go help Aimee rearrange the Christmas presents by the tree, and the rest of Jackson’s family were settled by the tree again waiting for Jackson and his mom to finish cleaning. Jackson tries to put the dishes into the dishwasher, but his mom insists he wash them by hand. 

“These are the nice dishes,” his mom reminds him. “They’ll get ruined.” 

“I swear,” Jackson groans. “Why am I the only one helping you?” 

“Youngjae looks a little too nervous when he’s alone with me,” Jackson’s mom laughs. “He’s cute, isn’t he?” 

“Very,” Jackson nods. He hands his mom one of the dishes so she can dry it off and put it on the rack, and it goes on like that until Jackson finishes washing the very last dish. The other forks and bowls actually go into the dishwasher, and Jackson’s glad he’s done for the night. 

“So shall we open all of Aimee’s gifts?” his mom asks. 

“They’re all for Aimee?” Jackson says, pretending to be surprised. 

“I do have something for you and Youngjae, but I’ll give it to you after your brother leaves,” his mom smiles at him, and places her hand on his shoulder. “I think you two really deserve this.” 

“Mom?” Jackson looks confused, and dries off his hands on a dish towel. “What did you do?” 

“Nothing!” she replies. “Let’s go.” 

Jackson follows closely behind, walking back to the Christmas tree in the middle of the living room. Youngjae was sitting right next to Aimee, with his knees pulled up to his chest while Aimee showed him the stuffed rainbow bear that Jackson had gotten her last year. His brother, sister-in-law and Aimee were spending the night, although in the guest room closest to Jackson. He didn’t mind, since Aimee always tried to get Jackson to sneak down in the middle of the night for cookies. 

“You’re back,” Aimee runs up to Jackson, pulling onto his hand so she can sit between him and Youngjae. “Sit with us.” 

“Are you excited to open presents?” Jackson asks, and holds onto Aimee’s rainbow bear. 

“Only if you get to open the one I got for you first,” Aimee smiles, and hands Jackson a small wrapped box. 

“Can I really?” Jackson shakes the box in his hands, but Aimee stops him. 

“Don’t shake it!” Aimee says, trying to keep Jackson’s hands still with her own. 

“Okay, I won’t,” Jackson laughs. 

He holds the box in his hands, and tugs on the ribbon holding it together. It unfolds easily, and Jackson slowly lifts the lid off. The box is filled with colorful wrapping paper, and Jackson lets his hand sit on top of the box. 

“Open it,” Aimee says eagerly. “Hurry!” 

“I’m taking my time,” Jackson says, and carefully removes the wrapping paper from the box. It’s a gold plated frame, and Jackson’s taped up diploma from Thanksgiving is in it. He wonders if Aimee helped his mom taped it together, and Jackson holds it to his chest. “Is this it?” he asks. 

“There’s more!” Aimee rummages through the box, and hands Jackson what looks like a make-shift notebook. 

Jackson flips through it, only to realize it’s one of those coupon books. He reads Aimee’s handwriting, noticing the cute things that the coupons are for. One free hug, ice cream, and permission to leave family dinner whenever he wants. 

“Is it good?” Aimee asks. 

“The best,” Jackson laughs, and ruffles his hand in Aimee’s hair. “Thank you.” 

“Can you help me open my presents?” Aimee asks, and also turns to Youngjae. “I can’t open them all by myself.” 

“Sure,” Youngjae smiles, and grabs one of the boxes for her. “Should we start with this one first?” 

“Smallest first,” Aimee points. “Big ones for last.” 

“Smart thinking,” Jackson replies. “Game plan. Let’s go.” 

The wrapping paper gets everywhere, and Aimee insists on wrapping the scraps around Youngjae, because he’s a gift for Jackson. There’s bows in his hair, and Jackson can’t help but take a billion pictures to save for the future. Youngjae’s pouting, and Jackson just sticks another one of the bows onto his nose. 

Youngjae retaliates by sticking one onto Jackson’s ugly sweater, right on top of the reindeer. Jackson had bought this sweater with Youngjae, mostly so they’d match at dinner. Jackson tackles him into the floor, knocking the wrapping paper out of the way and causes some of the bows on top of his head to fall off. They’re both laughing, and Aimee takes this as a sign to jump on top of Jackson. She’s not exactly heavy, but the years of hockey haven’t been kind to Jackson’s body. 

He shifts, and Youngjae moves enough to knock all three of them on the ground. Aimee’s still laughing, and is quick to get up onto her feet and take more of the ribbon and wrapping paper to dump it on the two of them. Jackson’s parents, and his brother and sister-in-law take this as an opportunity to film as many videos as they can, and Jackson thinks it’s probably the least embarrassing thing to happen to him, but it’s still the funnest he’s had with them in years. He can’t remember the last Christmas he had like this, filled with laughter and no one excusing themselves to go to work. 

“See?” Jackson says, leaning against Youngjae. “I told you they love you.” 

“Are we sure about that?” Youngjae asks back. “Your niece is a menace.” 

“She’s adorable, look at that face,” Jackson nods over at Aimee. “How can you be mad at that?” 

“Bows. All over my hair,” Youngjae shakes his hair out, and the last ones finally come off. “You’re lucky you’re cute.” 

“I’m cute?” Jackson flushes. “You think I’m cute?” 

“The cutest,” Youngjae answers. “Now, get off me before your parents think we’re up to something.” 

Jackson rolls over on the floor, and gets his footing against the carpet. Aimee is sitting on the floor in front of the tree again, and Jackson goes to join her. Most of the presents were already open by now, and Jackson sorts through the boxes and wrapping paper to clean up the room a little. He’s about to grab one of the empty boxes, until his brother stops him. 

“Go ahead and go up,” Jackson’s brother says, and grabs the box from Jackson’s hands. “I’ll clean up since you did the dishes.” 

Jackson mumbles a quick thanks before making a break for the kitchen, trying to get a glass of water before his mom stops him again. She’s watching him a little closer now, especially since Jackson admitted that Youngjae slept in his room. His mom follows behind, and Jackson tries not to visibly roll his eyes. 

He grabs a glass from the cabinet, and fills it with water from the fridge. He takes a slow sip, and he can still feel his mom hovering behind him. It’s funny that she’s protective like this, when she doesn’t even know half of the things they’ve done. 

“About that gift,” Jackson’s mom finally speaks, and Jackson almost chokes on his water. 

“Yes?” Jackson says, clearing his throat. “What about it?” 

“Your father and I bought you two tickets to Ireland,” she says, and hands him an envelope. “For winter break. Try not to have too much fun.” 

“ _ Ireland _ ?” Jackson grabs the envelope, but he’s still confused. “In January?” he asks. 

“It’s quite nice,” his mom smiles. “Enjoy yourselves.” 

“Why…” Jackson trails off, and sets his glass on the kitchen counter. “Why now?” 

“It’s not going to make up for everything, but we wanted to give you something special,” she puts her hand on his shoulder, and squeezes it lightly. “Now get some rest, you’re leaving in three days.” 

“I’ll be upstairs then,” Jackson replies. “Need to shower and then I’ll head to bed.” 

“Goodnight sweetie,” Jackson’s mom pats him on the back again, and Jackson is just relieved he can finally attempt to get some alone time with Youngjae. 

“Thanks, mom,” Jackson leaves, heading up the back staircase again two at a time. He told Youngjae to meet him in the library once the presents were over, and Jackson thinks he’ll probably be up soon. 

* * *

The library is warm. It’s cozy, and it has its own fireplace where Jackson enjoyed spending his nights reading as a kid. He switches it on, and lays blankets right in front of it. He brought a few pillows from his room earlier, and lays down comfortably in front of the fire. Youngjae still hasn’t come up yet, and Jackson spends a few minutes scrolling through his phone. 

The group chat has a few messages he hasn’t seen yet, mostly from the other boys saying happy holidays. Mark is back in LA with his boyfriend, and Yugyeom and BamBam are in New York. Jaebeom and Jinyoung went to Philadelphia with Jaebeom’s mom. It’s a weird change, thinking about how none of them are in Boston now. 

Jackson sends a few photos he took with Youngjae in front of the tree, and a string of emojis to wish everyone a happy holidays. They tried to coordinate plans for New Year’s but now, even that’s fallen through since Jackson’s mom surprised him with a trip. He sets his phone face down on the floor, and closes his eyes. He’s not tired just yet, but the warmth from the fireplace is nice enough to let him relax for a bit. 

He turns over onto his side, and when Jackson reaches over the extra pillows, he pokes at something solid instead. 

His eyes blink open, only to find Youngjae laying on the floor next to him. He’s hugging one of the extra pillows, and Jackson grabs another one to hit him with it. 

“Ouch,” Youngjae laughs. 

“I didn’t know you were here,” Jackson says. “Why does this remind me of that time we slept on the air mattress at Mark and Jaebeom’s apartment?” 

“Funny,” Youngjae replies. “You’re really reminding me of the time I thought you liked Jaebeom.” 

“Just because I slept in his bed for four years doesn’t mean I like him,” Jackson emphasizes. “You should know after that night it was pretty obvious. I sat in your lap.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Youngjae scoffs, and pushes the pillow back at Jackson. “We know how much you like sitting in my lap.” 

“Mm,” Jackson scoots closer to Youngjae, and removes the pillow between the both of them. “I think a little too much,” Jackson hums. 

“We shouldn’t do this in the library,” Youngjae hushes his voice, as if someone can hear them all the way upstairs. 

“More fun for another time then,” Jackson places the palm of his hand against Youngjae’s chest, just to feel his even breathing. 

“What did your mom want earlier?” Youngjae asks, shifting the subject. 

“Oh,” Jackson exhales. “We’re going to Ireland in a few days,” he shrugs. “Surprise?” 

“They gave us a vacation as a present?” Youngjae places his hand over Jackson’s, his palm feeling even warmer from the fire. “Now I feel bad for only giving your parents a vase.” 

“I told you not to worry,” Jackson reassures him. “They love you.  _ I _ love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Youngjae’s lips move up slightly, and Jackson’s never seen his eyes look this bright before. “I think you’re amazing, I always have.” 

“Please,” Jackson cries, just a little, but they’re happy tears. 

This year, or even the year before, Jackson didn’t think he would’ve been able to make it through it all without Youngjae. The non-stop working, school, and everything else in between. He still remembers his first year at Yale, even in the time that the group chat stopped talking to each other, Youngjae was always there. 

“How about we go to bed?” Youngjae suggests. “We have a few short days of packing ahead of us.” 

“Let’s sleep here,” Jackson adds. “It’s warm.” 

“Okay,” Youngjae smiles, and pulls Jackson close to his chest. 

Jackson can still feel the heat of the fireplace, and while the floor will get uncomfortable after a while, they have enough pillows for the night. His family never checks the library anyways— and they’ll be good for the evening. Youngjae cuddles him in close, and Jackson’s never felt more safe. 

* * *

**January 2021**

A few days later, and after one long flight, Jackson and Youngjae both land in Dublin. The January weather isn’t bad considering it’s almost the same, and their travel itinerary isn’t very strict. They check into a nice hotel, and Youngjae drags Jackson out at night so they can bar crawl, even if it is a little chilly outside. 

He can’t even remember the name of the pub they walk into, but it’s not very crowded inside, and Jackson feels the heat from the inside flush his cheeks. His face must be a little red by now, with a few drinks in him. 

The last time he enjoyed himself on a vacation was probably when they all went to Vegas— except for Mark. Jackson thinks it’s funny how long it’s been, and now he’s actually on a trip with Youngjae across the world. 

They’re sitting at a booth in the corner, under the dim lights while Youngjae sips on his pint. His arm is around Jackson’s shoulder, and the lively atmosphere of the pub despite the small amount of people makes Jackson smile. He leans into Youngjae, letting his eyes droop since he’s still tired from the flight. 

Jackson’s hands are in Youngjae’s lap, feeling cold from the light wind and rain outside. Everything about Youngjae is so warm, and Jackson wants to keep holding onto that. 

“What even made your parents buy us a trip to Ireland,” Youngjae says, taking another large sip. “I mean, they had to have known that we—” 

“That we what?” Jackson asks, trying not to laugh. “The library is pretty much soundproof. I don’t think they know.” 

“Shut up,” Youngjae nudges him. “I mean, they probably are figuring out. Like when we went to Vegas together.” 

“Should we go to the next pub?” Jackson asks. “Or we can go back to the hotel, I think we fought off our jetlag pretty well.” 

“I thought you’d like it if we stayed in the pubs for a bit,” Youngjae lowers his voice, and reaches over to place his hand on Jackson’s thigh. He gives it a light squeeze, and Jackson tries not to groan. 

“Let’s go back to the hotel,” Jackson insists now. “It’s too cold,” he whines. 

“Okay,” Youngjae replies. “Let’s go.” 

Jackson leads him out of the tiny booth, and he waits near the door while Youngjae pays. He still feels a little cold, and Youngjae makes his way through the pub to link their hands together. He brings Jackson’s hand up to his face, and blows air onto his hand. 

“Since you’re so cold,” Youngjae smiles. He blows on them one last time, and the two finally leave the pub. 

It’s still misty outside, and Jackson tries to pull up his hood. Youngjae beats him to it, pushing it onto Jackson’s head to cover him. Jackson pulls his beanie over his ears, trying to adjust his hood over it. It’s difficult to do with one hand, and Youngjae’s hand is still warm, holding tightly onto his right hand.

“Feels nice,” Jackson hums, and leans against Youngjae as they walk down the empty street. 

“The weather?” Youngjae jokes. 

“No,” Jackson replies. “You.” 

* * *

Jackson sleeps in the next morning, still feeling tired from the long flight. He wakes up alone, rolling over to find that Youngjae left to go somewhere. He sits up against the pillows, and grabs his phone at the side of the bed. 

It’s been a while since he’s checked his phone for NHL updates— the lockout. Jaebeom’s been getting a break from the sport and it’s nice for Jackson to get some of the legal-side updates. He checks his text messages, just to find some from Jaebeom— straight from the source. 

**Jaebeom** : lockout over by the end of the month maybe    
**Jaebeom** : so we better see you when we play the bruins    
**Jaebeom** : oh and have a nice vacation    
**Jaebeom** : dont get banned from anywhere :) 

Jackson just laughs, and hastily types up a reply. It’s been a while since they last called— probably before he took his final exams. He debates calling now, but decides against it when he can’t figure out the time difference. 

**Jackson** : good news?    
**Jackson** : and dont worry about both of those i guess… uhhhhh no promises 

He puts his phone back on the side table, and leans back in bed. He’s too lazy to get up, especially since it’s so warm. He pulls the blanket over his head, and closes his eyes to try to go back to sleep. Jackson shifts against the pillow, and when he finally gets comfortable again, the sound of the hotel door opens. 

He peeks out from under the blanket, only to see Youngjae with a drink tray in hand along with a bag of food. 

“Good morning,” Youngjae sings, and sits on the ledge of the bed next to where Jackson is still laying down. The blanket is still pulled up to his neck, and he’s too cold to even move out from underneath. 

“What are we doing today?” Jackson asks, and finally sits up. He didn’t sleep with a shirt on, and tries to tug the blanket up to cover his cold chest. 

“Sightseeing,” Youngjae shrugs. “I have a surprise, maybe,” Youngjae smiles. “If the weather turns out decent.” 

“I’m not planning on it,” Jackson sighs. “Bit of rain here and there.” 

“Then we’ll just have to make the most of it, don’t we?” Youngjae teases. 

Jackson tries to eat his breakfast as quickly as he can, taking large bies out of his sandwich. He’s still cold, and sips at the warm coffee and holds the cup between both hands. Youngjae was already finished, and Jackson observes him as Youngjae scrolls through his phone. 

His own phone is buzzing, and Jackson looks down at the screen. It’s lit up with messages from the group chat again, and he’s just a bit confused considering the time difference. They must all be up late— and Jackson finally opens his texts. 

He scrolls through most of them, which are late Happy New Year texts, followed by a series of pictures from everyone’s big night out. It’s just one of the photos that he barely misses, one of Jaebeom and Jinyoung— and Jackson does a double take. 

“Did they—” Jackson holds up the phone, and shows Youngjae the picture, even though he’s sure he’s already seen it. “Did they get married?” 

“I think so,” Youngjae laughs. “Just look through the messages.” 

Jackson scrolls further, reading everyone’s mess in the groupchat. There’s a lot of expletives, emojis, and memes expressing their shock. He scrolls down more, and sees everyone congratulating them. Jackson types out a quick greeting, knowing he’ll have to get around to a facetime call with Jaebeom eventually. 

He puts down his phone again, and sips from his coffee. He feels warmer, and a little more awake. After everything that’s happened in the last few months, Jackson is just happy that everyone is finding their way. He sits up more, letting the blanket fall down his chest. He’s less cold now, and stretches out one of his arms. 

“Good morning,” Jackson hums. 

“You’re a little late,” Youngjae moves close, and presses a kiss against Jackson’s forehead. “Glad you’re more awake now.” 

“Me too,” Jackson smiles back. “Let’s get ready?” 

“I’ve been dressed,” Youngjae laughs. “I’m just waiting for you.” 

“God,” Jackson groans. “Okay, I’m getting up.” 

He’s less slow to get up this time, and the hotel room isn’t as cold as it was earlier. He’s warmed up from the coffee, and he takes his time trying to find his clothes in his suitcase. Jackson packed in a hurry, and he manages to find a black long sleeve that should keep him warm for the day under his jacket.

“Are we spending the day outside?” Jackson asks. “Anything indoor?” 

“Just dress warm, please,” Youngjae grumbles. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.” 

“Fine,” Jackson whines. 

He’s grown used to it by now. Jackson has always been more sensitive to colder weather. He thought he’d get used to it from years practicing in an ice rink, but he still never settled. 

“That ice hockey was really all for nothing,” Youngjae jokes. 

“Was it, though?” Jackson asks. He’s still not wearing a shirt, and smooths his hand down his abs. He was nowhere near the same level of training, but a lot of routines still stuck. 

“I guess not,” Youngjae hums, and steps forward to wrap his arms around Jackson’s waist. “Please get dressed, because if you don’t I swear I’ll just stay in this hotel room all day.” 

“That sounds nice, too,” Jackson suggests. “It’ll be a lot warmer, just the two of us between—” 

Youngjae drops his arms from around him, and Jackson just watches as Youngjae walks to the bathroom on the other side of the room. He pouts, and Jackson knows Youngjae’s just going to get him to go out anyways. He finally tugs his shirt on, losing at the chance of staying in for the rest of the morning. 

When he’s fully dressed, Youngjae finally comes back out of the bathroom, as if he timed it just right. Jackson sits in one of the chairs to get his shoes on, and Youngjae waits by the front door, as if they’re pressed for time. 

“Are you in a hurry?” Jackson asks, and laces up his shoes. 

“I’d like to go, before it rains,” Youngjae complains. “Any day now, Jackson.” 

“Okay, okay,” Jackson stands up again, and Youngjae’s already holding his jacket for him. They wouldn’t need it yet anyways, and Jackson follows behind as Youngjae is already halfway out the door. 

Youngjae seems a little eager this trip, and it’s the first one they’ve had since they’ve been to Vegas a few times over the last year. Of course, the weather in Vegas was a lot warmer, so Jackson had no room for complaints. Jaebeom and Jinyoung had a pool at their house, so they always made the best out of it. 

Jackson wonders if he should’ve asked if they could stay at their house while they were in Philadelphia instead of flying all the way to Ireland. 

“The car’s out front,” Youngjae says, and puts Jackson’s jacket over his shoulders. “That’s why I was in a hurry.” 

“Oh,” Jackson realizes, Youngjae must’ve not wanted to pay to keep waiting for so long. He tries to place some of the money into Youngjae’s pocket, but he dodges. 

When they go outside, there’s a light drizzle of rain. Jackson pulls his hood up, and Youngjae opens the door for him. Jackson slides into the passenger seat. He puts his hands in his pockets, still feeling cold from the slight breeze outside. 

Youngjae’s in the driver’s seat, and once he gets the engine going, Jackson lays back into his seat and closes his eyes. He feels the heat slowly start to fill the car, and Jackson’s seat starts to get warmer. 

“Sleep for a bit,” Youngjae says, and puts his hand over Jackson’s. “I’ll wake you up when we get there.” 

“Okay,” Jackson hums. “Thank you.” 

* * *

Jackson doesn’t sleep, not really. His eyes are closed, and he leans against the window, feeling the cold against his skin. There’s a faint humming, and the music is low. Youngjae sings a long every now and then, and is even quieter when he follows the GPS instructions. 

The car ride feels long, just because Jackson doesn’t watch the scenery as it passes by. He still thinks he might be a little jetlagged, even though the coffee earlier did help. His phone buzzes in his pocket, but Jackson is still too lazy to check his texts. 

He doesn’t know how much time passes before he feels the car come to a slow stop. He opens his eyes, and notices that Youngjae finally parked the car. He doesn’t know where they are, exactly, since Youngjae said it was a surprise. 

There’s a light drizzle against the windshield, and Jackson tugs his beanie over his ears. He adjusts his jacket, and pulls his hood over his head. 

“Where are we?” Jackson asks, and stretches his arms out. 

“Some castle by this university,” Youngjae explains. “I don’t know why, everyone said it was kind of cool?” Youngjae says, sounding a little funny. 

“Okay,” Jackson nods. “Let me check my phone first before we head out.” 

“It’s the group chat again,” Youngjae sighs. “I don’t know why they haven’t gone to bed yet.” 

Jackson checks his phone, and notices how many messages have been sent in the chat since they’ve left the hotel. It’s a little overwhelming, and Jackson can barely scroll through all of them. There’s too many memes, and random hockey photos from their days at Boston University Jackson is having a hard time keeping track of them all. 

“They really need to go to bed,” Jackson laughs. 

He types up a few more messages, telling everyone to sleep and that they’ll meet each other again soon. They had to find some way to celebrate, especially since Jaebeom just got married. 

“You ready?” Youngjae asks, and pockets his own phone. 

“I guess,” Jackson grimaces when Youngjae opens the door, seeing the drizzle of rain outside. “Do we really have to?” 

“Quit complaining,” Youngjae smiles. “We’re here to have fun.” 

“If you say so,” Jackson huffs, and puts his phone on do not disturb before zipping it into his inner pocket. He didn’t want to distract himself with text messages on vacation, and he knows Youngjae was good for taking photos. 

Jackson opens the door himself, barely stepping out onto the street. They had a bit of walking to do, and Jackson was happy to let Youngjae lead the way. Youngjae’s standing in front of the car, with his hand outstretched, ready for Jackson to join him. 

“Let’s go,” Youngjae says. “Today, please.” 

“Okay” Jackson laughs, and pretends to drag his feet behind. “I’m coming.” 

He links their fingers together, and Youngjae takes Jackson’s hand and puts it inside his pocket. It’s warm, and Jackson tries to get as close as he can to Youngjae. The drizzle wasn’t as bad, and he thinks that he’s enjoying the weather more here than he is back home. 

The old castle seemed like an old university building. Jackson didn’t know what to expect, and just follows as Youngjae pulls him along for a nice walk. He didn’t feel as cold anymore, and Youngjae squeezes his hand every once in a while to make sure Jackson is still okay. 

Even though Jackson is far away from home, on a vacation in a place that is certainly not sunny, Jackson thinks this is the first time he’s been this happy in a while. He keeps following, just a step behind Youngjae. He’s not even looking at the scenery, just observing as Youngjae looks around the place. He’s enjoying himself a lot more than Jackson, and that’s enough for him. 

After walking for a while, Jackson stops in his footsteps, and slightly pulls Youngjae back a little bit. 

“What?” Youngjae asks, and turns around. “Do you want to go back?” 

“No,” Jackson shakes his head. “Can we take a selfie?” 

“Of course,” Youngjae smiles. “I’ll get my phone.” 

Youngjae pulls out his phone, and holds it in his left hand. He positions it in front of them, holding it at a higher angle. Jackson moves up in step with Youngjae, and before he can take the photo, Jackson kisses Youngjae on the cheek. He laughs, and Youngjae snaps the photo. 

“Is it cute?” Jackson asks, trying to peek over Youngjae’s hand to look at the photo. 

“Very,” Youngjae answers. “Just like you.” 

“You have to stop calling me cute,” Jackson says, pretending to be annoyed. “I’m older than you.” 

“That doesn’t mean you can’t be cute,” Youngjae shrugs, and pockets his phone. “I’ll make sure to send that one to your mom.” 

“My  _ mom _ ?” Jackson exclaims. “You have my mom’s number?” 

“She gave it to me before we left,” Youngjae replies, like it’s no big deal at all. “Let’s go, there’s a place I want to see.” 

Jackson almost stops in his tracks again, firm with his feet against the ground. He debates pouting for a moment, but Youngjae squeezes his hand again. There’s no use, and Jackson follows him anyways. 

When he finally takes a look around the scenery, Jackson notices they’ve probably entered actual university grounds by now. They’ve been walking for a while, and there’s more trees to cover from the drizzle of the rain. It’s a lot lighter than earlier, and Jackson thinks he could use a break in a few minutes. 

“Isn’t this a bit creepy?” Jackson wonders out loud. “Like, could this double for a cemetery?” 

“I mean, there’s one nearby,” Youngjae says, and holds out his phone to show Jackson. “Would you like to go?” 

“Wouldn’t that be weird?” Jackson replies. “I mean, if we end up walking there, we can.” 

“As long as you don’t get scared,” Youngjae pokes him playfully. “Let’s keep walking, then.” 

“What is the point of today?” Jackson whines. “Can’t we just take a break?” 

“If we find somewhere nice,” Youngjae answers. “Then we can.” 

Since Jackson doesn’t really feel the cold anymore, he unzipped his jacket a while back. He doesn’t mind that his shirt has gotten a little wet from the rain, but it’ll dry off in no time. He doesn’t bother pulling out his phone, either, since he just wants to enjoy the vacation without keeping track of the clock at every second. 

It doesn’t feel like it’s been very long, but they finally reach a row of trees that look decent enough to cover them from the rain and take a break for a while. Youngjae tugs him forward, and Jackson notices how dry it is under the trees, leaving them a nice spot to sit in the grass and take a length break after all the walking they’ve done so far this morning. 

He guesses it must be noon now, given that Jackson is a little hungry now. He knows Youngjae left a few snacks in the car, so they’d have to go back and get those later. 

Jackson tries to settle down in the grass, but Youngjae tugs onto his hand. He’s trying to pull Jackson up, but he stubbornly sits in the grass while Youngjae stands there, waiting for him with his arms crossed. 

“Jackson,” Youngjae sighs. “Really?” 

“I’m tired,” he complains. “Can’t we just sit here for a bit?” he asks. Jackson runs his fingers through the grass, and like he noticed earlier, it’s completely dry. “It’s not wet.” 

“Can you at least,” Youngjae sighs again, and starts shrugging off his jacket. “At least sit on my jacket.” 

“Thank you,” Jackson smiles, and settles on Youngjae’s jacket instead of the ground. It’s a little warmer, and Jackson takes off his own jacket to set down next to Youngjae’s. “Let’s sit together, please,” Jackson says, patting the ground next to him. 

“Just for a little bit,” Youngjae eases down, and sits next to Jackson on the ground. Youngjae leans up against the tree, and Jackson keeps his hands between the both of them. 

“So,” Jackson says, leaning in towards Youngjae a little bit. Youngjae places his hand over Jackson’s thigh, and squeezes it lightly. 

“I know there’s only one thing in mind when you want to have a break,” Youngjae says, lowering his voice. 

Jackson cups Youngjae’s face with one hand, pulling his face closer so he can properly kiss him. “Yeah?” Jackson says, and whispers against Youngjae’s lips. “And what’s that?” 

“You’re a menace,” Youngjae says, and presses his lips against Jackson’s neck. “A menace.” 

* * *

Youngjae doesn’t even bother taking them to all the other places, and drives them straight back to the hotel. Jackson falls asleep in the passenger seat, letting his head rest against the window the same way he did earlier. He’s happier and content, even though he’s still on vacation and away from all his friends. 

He leans on Youngjae on their way back to their hotel room. He’s solid and warm, and Jackson’s sweaty and tired from their walk. Jackson wonders what the future will be like after this. More vacations. The two of them spending time together without Jackson feeling like he has pressure weighing down on his shoulders every minute. He’s still sleepy when Youngjae shrugs his jacket off for him, pushing it down his shoulders and tossing it on top of Jackson’s suitcase. 

Jackson sits on the edge of the bed, watching as Youngjae takes care of all their stuff. He feels like he could doze off any minute, and Youngjae kneels on the ground so he can properly get Jackson’s shoes off for him. 

“You’re cute when you’re tired,” Youngjae laughs, and Jackson helps him by kicking off his other shoe. 

“I’m just tired. And happy,” Jackson says. “I really am happy.” 

“Good,” Youngjae lets his hand rest on Jackson’s thighs, and gently squeezes them. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing, and maybe I’ll figure it out eventually,” Jackson explains. “But I’m happy where I am right now. With you.” 

“We’ll figure it out together,” Youngjae says, and links his fingers together with Jackson’s. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Jackson squeezes his hand, and it feels like everything will be okay. 

Jackson thinks he’ll always feel it. The pressure that never seems to go away. He’s talked about it with Jaebeom, and even though he’s managing a lot better these days Jackson knows it won’t go away. It reminds him of college, when Jackson was weighing his options between splitting his time between Boston and Yale and everything in between. He thinks about now, and where he’ll be after he graduates. The future is still scary, but Jackson knows Youngjae will always be there for him. 

“Let’s get some rest,” Jackson says, and pulls Youngjae up. 

It takes a while for both of them to get settled comfortably on the bed. Youngjae always runs a little too warm, holding Jackson tightly to his chest while they lay on the bed. It still reminds Jackson of that night at Mark’s, when the both of them were whispering together on the air mattress while everyone was asleep. 

He wishes for more times like these, when the world is quiet and all he can hear is Youngjae’s calm breathing. It’s enough for Jackson, just like it always has been. 

* * *

**IIHF Worlds, May 2021**

After graduating from Yale, Jackson gets on the first flight to Europe with Youngjae to follow Jaebeom and Jinyoung at Worlds. It’s their first time competing, since the Golden Knights have made too many playoff runs to make them available to compete. It’s an exciting time for everyone, taking a long vacation for the first time for all of them to be together. 

“I bet that USA are going to crash in at fourth like in 2019,” BamBam says, and pulls his LIM #22 jersey over his shoulders. “They’re definitely going to lose.” 

“Have more faith in them,” Yugyeom flicks BamBam’s ear. “They didn’t have two hockey soulmates playing for them that year.” 

“Because they were losing in the Stanley Cup playoffs,” Mark chirps. “Kinda hard to be losing for the USA when you’re already losing in the NHL.” 

“Can’t we just have some fun and enjoy hockey?” Jackson rolls his eyes. “We’re here on a free trip, and it’s way better than only seeing them play like once a year.” 

The lockout was the longest anyones gone without hockey. When BamBam and Yugyeom were the last ones to graduate, there wasn’t any excuse for Jackson to go to games as often as he did. He still misses playing, although watching it is more than enough for him now. 

“I agree with Jackson,” Youngjae finally bumps in. “We’re here to support our friends, not cheer for them to lose.” 

“Thank you,” Jackson smiles. “Now let’s go.” 

Jaebeom and Jinyoung did everyone a favor by getting them tickets right up against the glass. When they’re at the arena, Jackson keeps yelling over the boards for Jaebeom to throw one of the pre-game practice pucks at him. 

“Oh my god,” Jackson gasps. “He didn’t even give me a puck this time.” 

“You have twenty of them,” Youngjae rolls his eyes, and slings his arm around Jackson. “I gave you my last game goal puck at BU when I graduated.” 

“Yes,” Jackson nods. “And that one is very special to me.” 

“I missed this,” Youngjae says, and pulls Jackson closer to him. “Games with you are always fun.” 

Jackson leans in, close enough that his nose is brushing against Youngjae’s. He’s about to place a soft kiss against his lips, until he feels the weight of a puck against his chest. 

“Hey!” Jackson yells. 

“You said you wanted a puck,” Jaebeom says, and shrugs while he taps on the glass. “And no funny business during the game.” 

“What do you say, then?” Jackson asks, and whispers into Youngjae’s ear. “Do you want to get out of here?” 

“God, no,” Youngjae laughs. “At least wait until the first period is over.” 

“I was just joking,” Jackson says, and leans against Youngjae. “I’m happy everyone’s here.” 

“Yeah,” Youngjae smiles, and ruffles Jackson’s hair. “Me too.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after many months... the jackjae hockey au spinoff has ended!! 
> 
> i'm sorry this took me a while! it's been a long few months and now that the one year anniversary of hockey au is coming up i've been working on finishing up some loose ends, and i'll have another one-shot i'll be posting for the anniversary. 
> 
> feel free to come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/peachzoned) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/peachzoned)


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